63. All Over The Place

Dear Readers,

Everything seems distasteful. It’s not like something is wrong. It’s not like I’m experiencing extreme negative feelings or hurtfulness. I just don’t feel like doing anything. For the past 2 months, I have zero motivation. I don’t feel like watching matches anymore. I don’t feel like blogging anymore. I don’t feel like playing the violin anymore. I don’t feel like working out anymore. I don’t feel like stepping out of the house anymore. I don’t want to do something new. I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel like studying.

Last month, that is, in January, I created a habit tracker. At the end of the month, I evaluated my habit tracker and I scored only a 37%. Yes, I had a lot going on with guests coming home. But I know that if I put in a little effort, I would have definitely gotten at least a 60%.  This is me evaluating myself. It’s not like I put up hard things to do daily. Everything put together would take 5-6 hours in a day, which I really need to do for a better and secure future. So if I really want to do it all, I would and I could. I just lack the motivation to do any of them.

I just find myself scrolling my Instagram explore feed for hours on end or end up refreshing my feed to check for new updates from my friends. I don’t want to take a drastic step of uninstalling an app because I believe in the fact that an individual should be able to control and not succumb to an application of all things.

To be honest, I haven’t really been productive since the start of this semester. I may have only exerted 20% of my energy and this 20% consists of my workouts and my deadlines. I can and am capable of much more. This is not me being hard on myself. It’s just blatant truth that I’m writing down partly to admit to myself and partly also to out-rightly come out and tell everyone what I have been up-to and why I haven’t been blogging and own up to my actions.

I did quite a few fun things in January, a few of them that I’m super proud of. Because I finally feel like I’m coming out of my fear balloon. My confidence ever since has sky-rocketed. January was such a good start to the year.

There was one interesting thought that I came across in January. Someone told this to me which to be honest, blew my mind away. Someone told me their analysis of me, which I’m sure was just a passing comment, but it had a major impact on me. Someone told me that I’m not shy, I’m just afraid to voice out my opinions because I’m afraid of being judged for it. It made me realise how I have been through-out my life. Ever since I’ve heard this, I have consciously been making changes and I have been telling people how I truly feel. Yes, I’m afraid that they’ll not want to talk to me anymore, but I cannot and will not succumb to fear anymore.

That’s all for this Sunday. I will definitely start blogging every Sunday. No more excuses. Hope you all had a good start to the year. It’s okay if you haven’t. Start consciously making changes to make the rest of the 11 months good. Have a great week ahead. See you all next Sunday.

Realistic Beginner.


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