72. Mixed Feelings

Dear Readers,

Today (2.07.2019) is the day something really good happened and also something really hard-to-swallow-but-good-that-it-happened happened. This is one among the reasons why I’ve named this blog Mixed Feelings.

Let’s start with the hard-to-swallow-but-good-that-it-happened, because that’s how my mind functions and also, this way I can end the blog on a positive note. The hard-to-swallow-but-good-that-it-happened always screws up our mind badly in ways we cannot begin to fathom. The family member that I mentioned in my previous blog; has done something that cannot be put into words. I don’t even know if it’s right for me to publish this. I want to talk about it anyway. Rather, I want to write a letter to this particular family member:

Dearest Family Member,

I never ever did expect that you’ll stoop this low and hurt us in this manner. I know that I’m still young, but I don’t think I have it in me to ever forgive you for everything that you have done. I’m sorry, I truly am. I can never forget nor forgive.

To think that you would ever talk to us in this manner is something that I cannot comprehend. To think that I treated you, loved you, admired you and cared for you, sometimes even more than my own family, is something that will always remain my biggest mistake and regret. To think that I chose to and felt comfortable to share my sorrow with you will be something that I’ll always look back to and feel like shit. To think that almost every six months, I would be so excited to wait for you to come back home, pick you up from the airport, bring you home and enjoy your company is something that’s crazy. You bringing us gifts used to make me so bloody happy. You coming was equivalent to Christmas for me. My love for chaat was equally shared by you. I used to be so proud of you. I used to be happy that you belong to my family. I used to love talking about shows with you because it finally meant that I was getting close to being an adult. I used to love you dearly. I don’t think I’m ever going to feel this way again.Β 

The things that you have done in these past years have slowly built and it has led to this. I’m sorry but I am in a way glad that you’re finally not going to affect my family the way that you have and you can never hurt my family ever the same way. I’m so happy to finally say that you are out of my life. You’ll never be in the priority list. You’ll never be one among people that I value and am glad to have in my life. I am so happy to keep you in the past. One day I hope, I will tell you things that you never thought I was capable of telling. I’m glad you’re the past. Today I bid farewell to you and your family. Things will never ever ever be the bloody same. Thank you for the most important lesson I will ever learn in life.Β 


Wow, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Speaking off weight being lifted off my shoulders, let’s talk about the good. I’m glad, happy, excited and slightly panicking because I FINALLY GOT INTO A COLLEGE for Master’s in Clinical Psychology. It’s exactly 20 kilometers from my house. But I am going to try to get into the college hostel and live there. Partly because I wanted to live alone and step out of my house and also because travelling 40 kilometers to and fro everyday will definitely be exhausting. My college starts on the 31st, July. I have to go to the college on 30th, July and figure out the payment of fees along with a room in the hostel. If the hostel is suitable and I am given a room then I’ll most likely be shifting on the 30th itself. It’s all happening too damn fast but I’m still very very very excited. I cannot explain my excitement.

Today was a very very important day for me. I’m so glad for today. Thank you to those all people who always told me to believe, wait and have patience during these last 4-5 months especially. I love you all with all my heart. Thank you believing me. Thank you to all my readers who patiently waited and still kept reading my shitty posts and kept reminding to not lose hope. Thank you all. Hope you have a great start to your week. Please to tell me what you thought about this sudden week-day blog. What’s been happening with you all? Have a great week ahead!

Realistic Beginner.

11 thoughts on “72. Mixed Feelings

  1. Congratulations on getting into the program!!! Given the dates you’ve mentioned, and what it says on the calendar today (29th–in the US at least), I hope that means you’re getting the hostel set up and don’t have to travel so far each day.

    I hope that you can continue to recover. It’s good that writing that letter helped.

    Looking forward to posts about the program (that is, if you feel like sharing them/have the energy, 40KM commute or not). Also…good luck in the program!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey congrats!

    Sorry about the family member who hurt you and your family. It’s good to get things off your chest and let it go. Here’s a little something you may not have considered about forgiveness. Forgiveness never means that you trust this person, or accept what they did. Forgiveness actually releases you from the hurt and pain because it helps you to let go of those feelings of bitterness and pain. But forgiveness never comes easy. I’m no expert on why forgiveness is so difficult, but I think mostly it’s a refusal to totally let it go. We think by holding things against someone we will feel better. I think we also believe that we are punishing them. When really we are punishing ourselves. You may disagree. It’s just something to think about.

    Anyways, on to big and better things, right!?Congrats!

    Liked by 2 people

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