Category: All

Dear readers,

This week is definitely THE MOST HECTIC WEEK of my life. I had 5 back to back exams from Monday to Friday. I had so much to study and revise and so little time. But I’m considering this semester as my trial semester and now I know how I should study and prepare for the next semester.

So literally nothing happened apart from sleeping for like 2-3 hours of sleep, surviving on several cans of redbull and studying. It was a completely different experience because for all my exams up until now, I always had like a gap of two-three days.

I have one exam remaining which is on Tuesday. Since, I’m not allowed to write tomorrow (monday’s) paper, I have an extra day to prepare for that exam. So yay. I also have taken up a case for therapy which is quite interesting.

I’ll probably have more things to talk about next week. How was your week? What did y’all do? I hope you all have a great week ahead 😀

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

Today is the November 5th (Tuesday). After I recovered from my illness and went back to college, I had a mountain of work pending for me, with back to back exams. I was so stressed that I almost fell ill again. I had recurring fever every now and then, as well.

I eventually managed to write all my exams and complete all my assignments on time. I did not write most of those papers as well as I wanted to. One paper in particular, I wrote horribly. But I am done. Catching up and getting a decent internal overall can be focused during my second internal exams, which are likely to be conducted post mid-November.

I had a considerably non-hectic weekend. I went out on Saturday for lunch and games. I went for a walk on Sunday evening after so long. I needed to get back to exercising everyday. I felt so good after the walk yesterday. My appetite drastically increased.

A lot things on my to-do list are pending, but I have started slowly working my way back to normalcy and my healthy & fully functioning self. I hope I don’t fall ill again.

Short term goals would be to eat healthy, study everyday, finish assignments long before the due date, avoiding stress and completing every other task on my daily to-do list that I have made.

Long term goal would be a goal that I don’t want to disclose yet because there are a lot of hurdles and issues related to that. But I would and have to do everything in my power to make it happen. I don’t want to continue something just because I have to. I really hope it happens. From today, I will devote a few hours of the week to this particular long term goal.

I also want to monetise my blog. I’m not really sure about the hows and the whats. So, I want to read up more on that and take the next step. If anyone has any tips that I could use or information that will be beneficial to me, based on your experience of having monetised your blog, I would be extremely grateful if you shared it with me either in the comment section below or via email (realisticbeginner98@gmail.com).

Apart from all this, I don’t really know what else is up. I feel like I’m just dragging my way through life and I am not doing anything worthwhile. Maybe it’s because of where I am. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I am not making the best use of my time here, because I am. And I hope it doesn’t come off as another example of ‘the grass on the other side is always greener’. So I am not really thinking about this aspect.

I also feel like I’ve been looking at life negatively my entire life. The people that are currently in my life are telling me or rather showing me to not be so negative. It is going to take some time, not going to lie. I have tuned my self, due to various experiences, to expect the worst out come, the worst in people and the worst scenario. So it is going to take some time to not look at that side and think a little more positively. I have lost quite a few relationships because of this point of view.

How have you all been doing? What have you all been up to? I’m trying to get regular with my blogging and I’m getting there. So, forgive me when I respond to your comments a little late. I shall find some time this week to do just that!

What did you think about this blog? Please let me know in the comment section below. Hope you all have a great week ahead. Happy Monday!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

This blog, before it’s edits, actually turned out to be a rant about how overwhelming everything is in my life and how all I want to do is cry. But I deleted those words and rewrote the entire blog because honestly I don’t want to talk about those things that are affecting me. I am done with this negativity that my life revolves around right now.

I also wanted to write this blog again because I want to make my life better and I want to avoid speaking only about negative things. So here I am finding solace in the one thing that I truly enjoy doing. Writing a blog.

What have I been doing for the last two months. Well, in a nutshell, so much and so little. One good thing myself is that I’m becoming more and more confident with who I am and how I look. One bad thing that happening to me is that I’m getting extremely angry and frustrated, even for silly things. And more importantly, I’m tired all the damn time and I don’t usually find time for pleasurable activities.

I’m trying to get in touch with my feelings and I’m trying to sort things out. I’m sure it’ll take time. So currently all I’m trying to focus on is getting good marks for my internals next week. I’m also trying to get into the habit of doing yoga everyday.

How have you all been? What is up with you all? Hope your week was good. Hope you have a lovely weekend.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

A lot of things happened in these last two weeks that I did not feel like blogging at all. Well, for many reasons, I didn’t go to the hostel. I was and still am devastated about that if I’m honest. I’ve been commuting from home daily. Classes haven’t really begun. In fact I don’t have a class room, so been whiling away time at the lake in the college or at KFC which is near the college, with my friends. It hasn’t been the first two productive weeks.

On a much much lighter note, I celebrated my 21st birthday on 3rd August. I don’t know how I feel about “being 21”. Let’s see what this year has in store for me.

I’d be lying if I said I planned out my blog. I’d be lying if I said that I completely lost the interest in blogging (I lost interest in everything I used to do for fun). I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t blog only when something bad happened and I was looking for external support. I’d be lying if I say that I’m done thinking about all the bad things and negative things and I’ve indulged myself in them. But I will not be lying when I say that I have come to realize that indulging in only negative things isn’t going to get me anywhere.

This shift in perspective or this realization rather happened because of this You-Tuber whose channel’s called Life-Of-Tom. I try to follow most of his vlogs because of his hyper, life-is-too-short-make-the-most-of-it, realistically positive attitude. If you want to watch his daily vlogs, you can do so on LIFE OF TOM.

I also feel like I take everything too damn seriously. I need to stop doing that. I need to stop worrying. I need to take it easy and just chill out and not overthink things. I feel like that’s one change I want to implement after turning 21. Just chill the hell out. Because life’s too short, make the most of it.

Hope you had a better week. Hope you had a lovely Sunday. As for now, I will be going to order dinner from what’s currently my favorite restaurant and drink a couple of drinks with my parents and go sleep. How was your week? How was/is your Sunday? What plans for the upcoming week. Have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

Today (2.07.2019) is the day something really good happened and also something really hard-to-swallow-but-good-that-it-happened happened. This is one among the reasons why I’ve named this blog Mixed Feelings.

Let’s start with the hard-to-swallow-but-good-that-it-happened, because that’s how my mind functions and also, this way I can end the blog on a positive note. The hard-to-swallow-but-good-that-it-happened always screws up our mind badly in ways we cannot begin to fathom. The family member that I mentioned in my previous blog; has done something that cannot be put into words. I don’t even know if it’s right for me to publish this. I want to talk about it anyway. Rather, I want to write a letter to this particular family member:

Dearest Family Member,

I never ever did expect that you’ll stoop this low and hurt us in this manner. I know that I’m still young, but I don’t think I have it in me to ever forgive you for everything that you have done. I’m sorry, I truly am. I can never forget nor forgive.

To think that you would ever talk to us in this manner is something that I cannot comprehend. To think that I treated you, loved you, admired you and cared for you, sometimes even more than my own family, is something that will always remain my biggest mistake and regret. To think that I chose to and felt comfortable to share my sorrow with you will be something that I’ll always look back to and feel like shit. To think that almost every six months, I would be so excited to wait for you to come back home, pick you up from the airport, bring you home and enjoy your company is something that’s crazy. You bringing us gifts used to make me so bloody happy. You coming was equivalent to Christmas for me. My love for chaat was equally shared by you. I used to be so proud of you. I used to be happy that you belong to my family. I used to love talking about shows with you because it finally meant that I was getting close to being an adult. I used to love you dearly. I don’t think I’m ever going to feel this way again. 

The things that you have done in these past years have slowly built and it has led to this. I’m sorry but I am in a way glad that you’re finally not going to affect my family the way that you have and you can never hurt my family ever the same way. I’m so happy to finally say that you are out of my life. You’ll never be in the priority list. You’ll never be one among people that I value and am glad to have in my life. I am so happy to keep you in the past. One day I hope, I will tell you things that you never thought I was capable of telling. I’m glad you’re the past. Today I bid farewell to you and your family. Things will never ever ever be the bloody same. Thank you for the most important lesson I will ever learn in life. 

Regards,
Babli. 

Wow, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Speaking off weight being lifted off my shoulders, let’s talk about the good. I’m glad, happy, excited and slightly panicking because I FINALLY GOT INTO A COLLEGE for Master’s in Clinical Psychology. It’s exactly 20 kilometers from my house. But I am going to try to get into the college hostel and live there. Partly because I wanted to live alone and step out of my house and also because travelling 40 kilometers to and fro everyday will definitely be exhausting. My college starts on the 31st, July. I have to go to the college on 30th, July and figure out the payment of fees along with a room in the hostel. If the hostel is suitable and I am given a room then I’ll most likely be shifting on the 30th itself. It’s all happening too damn fast but I’m still very very very excited. I cannot explain my excitement.

Today was a very very important day for me. I’m so glad for today. Thank you to those all people who always told me to believe, wait and have patience during these last 4-5 months especially. I love you all with all my heart. Thank you believing me. Thank you to all my readers who patiently waited and still kept reading my shitty posts and kept reminding to not lose hope. Thank you all. Hope you have a great start to your week. Please to tell me what you thought about this sudden week-day blog. What’s been happening with you all? Have a great week ahead!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

There nothing much that happened this week. I was lazing around. Sometimes cleaning. I did go out for like 3 days of the week. In the evenings, my mother and I would try stepping out of the house so I don’t feel stuck within 4 walls. I do have a clearer path that I want to follow the remainder of this year. I don’t want to jump the gun, but I also don’t want to stop trying.

This week I realized how important family members are and how we should know who truly is yours and who isn’t. We all make mistakes. We all screw up. But there are some things that you absolutely do not do and should not do to a family member. I usually don’t struggle with giving someone a second chance. But there are a few things that I cannot tolerate and giving a second chance to someone like them is hard. This is literally me thinking out loud. But this did help me realize and be thankful for all those people who are of utmost importance and their value in my life has increased massively.

One thing I realized is that I love the sea. Even if it’s viewing it from a distance. There is this different sense of serenity involved that calms your mind instantly and you do not really think about anything at that moment and you truly focus on the now.

I have not had a productive week, it’s just been lazy and chill. I trimmed my hair a little shorter than usual to give it some more life. This upcoming week I intend to plan and do more and not waste the free time that I have gotten. I can do so much but come morning all I want to do is chill and not to anything. Let’s hope this week is different. I am also trying to get into the mindset of writing weekly blogs again.

How was your week? What do you plan to do for this upcoming week? Hope you enjoyed reading my blog. Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

I’m just writing because I felt like I wanted to write this most random blog ever. It’s 2 am right now. I’m sitting in my pajamas, listening to all my favorite songs. I’m in a really good place right now. I feel no stress what-so-ever.

My whole world has gone upside down. I don’t think I would be getting into the college that I really wanted to. I spent like my entire vacation on this, but because of the stupid mistakes I made while attempting those answers, I think getting into this college is now 10 times harder.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely going to try again the next year. I really want that college and that course. Why? Because I really like that course and I love where it’s going to take me professionally. I made a decision and usually every time I failed, I’d just give up and go to the next best thing. But this time, I’m not giving up. I wanted that college, I’m going to that college. It might seems a little stupid, but I really want that course and college. I know it’s not going to be this year, but I’m going to try again next year when I’m a little more mature and I hopefully a little more confident with my answers.

What will I do in this one year? I have no bloody clue. I am waiting on results from another college. If I get into that, I’d be really glad. But if not, then I am pretty sure I’ll figure something out. Let’s just hope for the best now.

I just have to patiently wait and clean my room and do other household chores until I know my result. I need to start reading again. I have so many things planned for this month that I want to do, it’s going to be interesting and exciting.

Sorry for the random-est update. I just felt like writing something and keeping my blog a little bit active until I go back to my daily routine and get back to posting blogs weekly.

What have y’all been up to? What did you think about this blog? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below. Ciao ciao.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This blog is just to restock my assets, see what’s what and how I’m currently feeling. That includes what can be done to improve how I am feeling or what I should avoid doing.

Not much is happening with my life. I’m still waiting on those four colleges. For the past month my goals were not met. I was getting irritated with everybody. My friends have started getting placed into different colleges/offices and they’ve already started going for regular classes or to work. I’m not going to lie, it did begin to hurt and I’d immediately began internalising it and I started feeling insecure. I felt like people around me had started putting me down and they were busy trying to prove how I’m wrong and how they’re right and since I personally lacked confidence I’d started being loud and rude because I felt like nobody wanted to listen to me and that the walls are closing in on me. I was on social media for the majority of the days. I’d began comparing myself to much more beautiful looking girls and I started feeling insecure and not self-assured. I’m beginning to put on weight and that is demotivating me. Now that I’m beginning to study again, I’m immersing myself in this feeling of guilt and irritation. I needed a break.

As for more recently these past 5-6 days, I got my much needed mental break. I watched a new season of a show that I like. I met a couple of my close friends. I got to go out of the house which I didn’t think I needed. It felt good. I played pool for the first time today. I was probably doing a lot of things wrong, but I did thoroughly enjoy playing it. I did win that match against my friend which felt good. At least I was winning at something 😛 I can’t wait for the opportunity to play again and get the proper hang of it. I’d love to get to play regularly if that’s at all possible.

Right now, I cannot really afford to make proper plans. At least till August, I’m unsure of who I am and where I am going to be studying. So, I cannot re-join the gym or continue my violin classes or go for new classes. But I did join three online certificate courses which start at the end of July. It’s very convenient as it doesn’t really matter where I am during those months since it’s online. That’s the only “future plans” I’ve made. I cannot wait to begin those classes. I went out of my comfort zone and I am about to learn something that I’ve been meaning to learn for as long as I can remember.

I have like roughly half a month left for preparations for a particular exam for a college I most want to get into. It’s doable. I need to commit myself to studying and keeping my physical and mental well-being in-check.

Back to where I am now and what I should and will be doing at least for the next 20-25 days: studying, practising MCQs, working out at home or going for a walk, eating, sleeping, occasionally playing a game or two and will be trying to not feel demotivated or dejected. At least that is the plan. You’ll know from my next few blogs how successfully this plan was executed.

Hope you guys are doing well. I’d love to know what you’ve been doing and how you’ve been feeling. I’m eternally grateful for you lot out there who read and share your thoughts on my blog. I’ll see you the in the next blog which hopefully contains more surety than this one does. Have a good week and a lovely weekend.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

I don’t know where my head is at. I did move on from the last failure by writing another exam and getting interviewed by another college. I’m awaiting their decision to pick me for their course. I have two other exams next week. One exam sometime mid June. I’m growing more and more anxious. I’m afraid that I’ll never be good enough to get selected for any college. What if I’m not smart? What if I don’t have what it takes? What if I’m just a bull-shitter who’s bull-shitted her way through everything in life and it’s worked out until now? What if now people are just tired of hearing my bull-shit and want nothing to do with me? What if everyone around me is lying to me to protect me from the truth that – I’m actually terrible at whatever I’ve done and every around me is just saving me from feeling bad about myself. Paranoia at it’s best. I know it’s wrong to think this and I’m only thinking this because I’m down and I lack confidence in my abilities. But I am truly scared guys. I truly am. I don’t feel like I’m up to do anything right now.

I know it’s just a phase and that once I get into a college, I’ll overthink about my abilities for something else in life. But I truly am scared that I won’t get into a college. I know sometimes it may feel stupid to put out your deepest fears and vulnerabilities out there, but that has helped me cope with my stress for as long as I can remember. it’s the fact that every time I’m blogging, I am blogging with no filter in my mind. I’m literally looking at the keyboard and clicking on keys and I barely look at the screen. Only once I’m done typing, I look at the screen, read the whole thing once and check for any errors, and hit publish. Sometimes I find myself wondering what I typed in the first place. It’s literally just a flow of thoughts. Sometimes, I begin to feel that my blogging has been therapeutic because of my free flow of thoughts along with the sound of the keys on my keyboard as I’m using them to type the words for my blog.

I feel truly dejected now. I can’t think of anything other than how much of a failure I am. At this point, I don’t feel like I have what it takes to deliver. Nothing anyone can say is going to make me better. Me getting into a college is going to make me feel better. I know not getting into a college is not the end of the world. I know I need to stop thinking that way and place so much importance into it. But I know for a fact that I don’t want to waste a year and if acting like my life depends on it will make me work harder then I’m don’t want to stop placing so much importance on it. Even if I’m rejected and dejected. Hope to write for you all in a better and a lot more positive mindset soon. Sorry if my writing’s too grumpy and negative, but this is about honest feelings and this what my life has been revolving around for the past 7-8 months now. I cannot promise anything but hopefully soon my writing will be more regular and on a much positive note. Goodbye for now!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

What have been doing ever since my last blog? I’ve been studying. I wrote an exam. I went for a personal interview because I passed the exam. I personally thought I did quite well. But today I found out that I didn’t get selected for the program. It hurt. It felt like someone pulled the rug from under my feet. It took me two hours just to digest the fact that I’m not going to one of the colleges I wanted to get selected at. I’m not blaming or hating anything or anyone. Sometimes, the odds are not in our favour and shit happens.

Well, I need to start from scratch again. I need to figure out everything again. I’m shocked that for the first time in my life though I don’t know what I am to do next and where I am headed, I am not afraid. I am excited. I haven’t lost hope. I haven’t given up. Even if things don’t go my way this year, I’ll try again next year. I can do so many things, I have so many options which is helping me have faith in myself.

I just wanted to write my feelings because I wanted to keep it real for you all. I’ve failed at something and I’m putting it up on my blog for everyone to read. There are quite a few reasons for why I failed. Some where in my control, some weren’t. I’ve accepted my result. The reasons that were in my control which I didn’t do, which lead to my failure this time, are the reasons I am going to try to avoid repeating for the other colleges that I want to get into.

I know today’s not a Sunday but I didn’t want to not write today, because finding out that I failed today was a major eye-opener for me. Please do share your thoughts. Hope you all have a much better start to the week than I did. Happy Tuesday.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

Today, the 7th of April, marks my fourth anniversary of blogging as ‘Realistic Beginner’. For those who’ve recently started reading my blogs, I’ve had different kinds of blogging websites and many more blog posts before these 66 blog posts which I’d deleted for many reasons which I have mentioned in my previous blogs.

Blogging (or writing, in general) has truly been one constant thing in my life that has remained with me ever since I was a child. It’s my escape. I may not write regularly, I may not feel like writing on a few days but I always come back to it. It’s what that keeps me grounded. It’s what that helps me understand what I’m feeling and helps me put my feelings to words.

Most of you who read my blogs don’t know who I am and y’all know only what I tell you about me. But the funny thing is y’all know most about me than most of the people who know me in real life know about me. And I’d like to keep it that way.

This week, I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I am as an individual and how I would introduce myself to others. Please note: I don’t introduce myself to anyone. I just say my name and if it’s a professional setting I just say which department of which college I belong to and that’s about it.

So I’m going to write about what I think people should know about me.

I am a person who is very shy. I’m an introvert (been psychologically and empirically evaluated). I love writing and I’m an okay writer. I can study really well if I want to (key word being ‘if I want to’). I consciously try to speak about something only if I know something about it. I love solitude. I don’t speak to anyone about anything until I really know them. I love reading books, but I’m not really reading a lot. I love watching football and I can’t play football. I’m a bit of a geek. I am a composed and conserved person in most of the situations. A few of my friends who know me well have told me that I have an obsessive compulsive personality. I consciously make it an effort to be clean, do things the way I want it to be done, I make schedules and to-do lists, have planners and can’t function without them. I’m rigid, stubborn and inflexible with a lot of things and situation. I often neglect social relationships. I have a tendency to be controlling and I need to be in control of situations. I get anxious quite often. I love very few people and when I do, I make it my mission to make sure that they feel loved, given my fullest attention and make sure that they get the best because they deserve the best. I’m an ‘all or nothing’ girl. I play the violin (learning to, anyway). I love watching shows. I love dark comedy. I try to laugh and make others laugh because no one needs sadness all the time and should learn to be happy and get amused by little things. Sometimes I act dumb and allow other people to laugh at me, because in a way it helps me laugh at myself. I let go of a lot of things. But I sometimes cannot deal with criticisms and I cannot deal when people lie. I cannot deal with cheating and being disloyal to the person you’re committed with. I dislike it when people cannot be honest and truthful to themselves or others and live in a mode of denial. I’m all for constructive criticism and laughing at each other but I hate it when people put someone else down just for the heck of it. I do a lot of things my way and think quite different from most of the people I know. I’m all for loyalty. I’m all for consistency. I’m all for calmness.

That is all for today. Hope you all enjoyed my blog. Hope you all had a great Sunday. Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

There is no excuse for me to not be writing my weekly blog. I’ve just been out of it. I’ve had so much to do and I put myself under a lot of pressure which did not allow me to free my mind and think about writing, to be honest. Well I’m trying to be back. I’m trying to start writing again because I miss it.

There is so much that’s happened in the last 4-5 months which I can’t fathom to explain everything in detail. I did things I was super proud of. Some things were daunting, but I went ahead and did them anyway and they weren’t daunting anymore. I did some things I was not so proud of. But again, that’s how life is, isn’t it? But I have zero regrets. I learnt from my mistakes and I’m striving to be better.

Apart from things that have happened, I have started getting too emotional about a lot of things and I don’t like that about myself. I hate that I am emotionally getting affected by someone’s words and it’s bugging me. I need to go back to the person I was before, because this is affecting my daily functioning, which it shouldn’t. Right now I need to focus on getting into a decent college. I need to think about spending time with the most important people in my life. Since I’d stopped writing, I didn’t have an outlet for me talk about how I really feel about everything and anything and I guess that was what affected me more. So, to avoid this in the future, I must not stop writing.

With respect to my Bachelor’s, I’m finally almost done with my Bachelor’s. I have no classes to attend anymore. I just have to go to college for three more days in total, for three exams, and I’ll be done with it for good. To be honest, leaving this particular college was not daunting or emotional. This could be for two reasons: 1, I am already looking at the next thing, I’m not giving it time to sink in that I would not be going for class anymore in this particular institution. And 2, I didn’t allow myself to get emotional with this place or people apart from a selected bunch of people. The only thing I will miss is these few people. Once I’m done with these three exams, then I’m done for good. All I’ll have to worry about is where I get into for my Master’s.

I truly am nervous for the future. This is daunting. Thinking about which college I get into, whether I will get into a college. What I’m to do if I don’t get into a college. What I am to do if I get into one. But, right now I’m only trying to focus on one thing: studying for entrance exams. I need to work my ass off for them. I need to study. I need to. I want to.

I could have taken a break year. But I don’t want to. I want to jump to the next thing. I need and want to because (it may seem a little too exaggerated and you’d also say that I’m thinking wrongly) I’m nothing without my studies. I know I said this for my writing as well, but it’s true. I am not that great at other things. Slowly I’m getting better at practising violin. But if I want to make a mark in this world, the only two ways I can see myself doing that is either through my academics or my writing. I am not a person who is a non-profit organisation worker or a mainstream 9-5 IT company worker. I’m someone who studies and loves studying and I am someone who writes and loves writing. It’s as simple as that. So, it’s very important for me to get into a college for me to continue doing both. If I don’t get into a college, this year, I will try again next year. And I won’t stop trying until I get both.

I will not promise that I’ll write regularly, but I want you all to know that I will try my best to write every Sunday. I also want to thank everybody who recently followed my page, to everyone for still reading my blogs and for checking up on my website for new content. I’m sorry for not putting up new content. I’ll try my best to do it regularly from now on. Hope you all have been great. Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below, as usual. Happy Sunday and hope you all have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dearest Readers,

This week was good. I did have a few productive hours. Obviously I want this duration of productive hours to be a hell of a lot more. But I see progress and I’m happy that there is progress.

Last year this time I had learnt that it is not good to keep things to myself and I started sharing. I’m so glad. I learnt the importance of letting people into my life. Because, the bonds that I share with my three family members and a couple others are irreplaceable and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I’m so so grateful to have these people in my life. The world just seems like a better place with them around.

I don’t really know what to say know because my head’s a bit cloudy and I have a few other things to do. But I wanted to not miss another week. So, I just thought I should write a few words down to satisfy my own need to write a new blog every Sunday. Hope you had a great Sunday and have a great upcoming week. Good night!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

Everything seems distasteful. It’s not like something is wrong. It’s not like I’m experiencing extreme negative feelings or hurtfulness. I just don’t feel like doing anything. For the past 2 months, I have zero motivation. I don’t feel like watching matches anymore. I don’t feel like blogging anymore. I don’t feel like playing the violin anymore. I don’t feel like working out anymore. I don’t feel like stepping out of the house anymore. I don’t want to do something new. I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel like studying.

Last month, that is, in January, I created a habit tracker. At the end of the month, I evaluated my habit tracker and I scored only a 37%. Yes, I had a lot going on with guests coming home. But I know that if I put in a little effort, I would have definitely gotten at least a 60%.  This is me evaluating myself. It’s not like I put up hard things to do daily. Everything put together would take 5-6 hours in a day, which I really need to do for a better and secure future. So if I really want to do it all, I would and I could. I just lack the motivation to do any of them.

I just find myself scrolling my Instagram explore feed for hours on end or end up refreshing my feed to check for new updates from my friends. I don’t want to take a drastic step of uninstalling an app because I believe in the fact that an individual should be able to control and not succumb to an application of all things.

To be honest, I haven’t really been productive since the start of this semester. I may have only exerted 20% of my energy and this 20% consists of my workouts and my deadlines. I can and am capable of much more. This is not me being hard on myself. It’s just blatant truth that I’m writing down partly to admit to myself and partly also to out-rightly come out and tell everyone what I have been up-to and why I haven’t been blogging and own up to my actions.

I did quite a few fun things in January, a few of them that I’m super proud of. Because I finally feel like I’m coming out of my fear balloon. My confidence ever since has sky-rocketed. January was such a good start to the year.

There was one interesting thought that I came across in January. Someone told this to me which to be honest, blew my mind away. Someone told me their analysis of me, which I’m sure was just a passing comment, but it had a major impact on me. Someone told me that I’m not shy, I’m just afraid to voice out my opinions because I’m afraid of being judged for it. It made me realise how I have been through-out my life. Ever since I’ve heard this, I have consciously been making changes and I have been telling people how I truly feel. Yes, I’m afraid that they’ll not want to talk to me anymore, but I cannot and will not succumb to fear anymore.

That’s all for this Sunday. I will definitely start blogging every Sunday. No more excuses. Hope you all had a good start to the year. It’s okay if you haven’t. Start consciously making changes to make the rest of the 11 months good. Have a great week ahead. See you all next Sunday.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

Like a month back or something someone told me that they would not put out blogs just for the heck of it and they would only write something if they think would be interesting and something the readers would love to read. By this they indicated that my RB blogs are dull, boring and monotonous. This stuck to my head and I started evaluating my blogs. Since September of last year, my blogs have been updating ya’ll on what I’m doing and not really introducing fun concepts or writing fun or interesting things. But yesterday I realised that though my readers (aka you) are very very important to me and an important part of blog, I should also write about me and if I like writing and documenting about what I did in a particular week, then I should do that irrespective of whether people find it boring. Because there is not much I can do about that. I am not travelling and I’m not going places. 90% of my time is spent at home and I go out only if I truly want to. In a lot of ways, I lead a boring life. I’m very content with this boring life. And I want people to know that you can be content with what you have and not look for something flamboyant everyday of our lives. And though I termed my life boring, I personally don’t find it boring. Every single day I’m doing new or different things. Every single day I learn something new. Every single day I’m having fun with my boring life. And if you guys ever find it boring then I’m sorry for wasting your time with my boring blog. But this is me. This is my blog. My blog is a reflection of me. I will not apologise for my dull blogs. I value consistency and quality, and I know for a fact that my blogs need to be consistent for it to be qualitatively better. If you don’t mind getting bored with me and my blogs, see ya’ll next Sunday 😉

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I had two exams this week. I wrote one really really well and I wrote one so bad that I could possibly fail that paper. I truly hope that doesn’t happen and somehow I scrape through and not break my ‘no arrears’ streak. Let’s see what happens. I don’t know what it is with exams, I’ve never been able to fair well though I know all the concepts conceptually. I need to learn how to get better as it effects my overall score.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not progressing, you know? I am still complaining the same things about myself. I still can’t fully be as productive as I want to be. I still can’t let go of a lot things. I’ve been the same in a lot of ways. I don’t know what it is. Laziness, yes. But, I don’t really know what it is. I can’t point my finger on it. Sometimes, I feel like I have no will and sometimes I feel like there’s so much grit in me that I can be the next female Elon Musk. But this inconsistency in my determination is what scares me the most. I need to figure out a way to be consistent through-out. Or at least manage my time and figure out a way wherein I can be consistent. I don’t know, this week I was extremely self-critical towards myself. I did not really go to the gym (which could have been a factor in me having low self-confidence). I hated my guts. I hated everything about myself. I questioned my self worth. I questioned my morals (whether I had any). I questioned my ability to do anything in life. I questioned my actions. I wondered if I need to stop acting like an 80 year old and instead “have fun” like a 20 year old. I have not really done anything close to what my acquaintances are doing and I wondered if I needed to do them to be acceptable in the social circles. Whether I’m a rebel without a cause (titled by my own friends). I wanted a proper answer for “who am I?” and I wasn’t able to find a satisfactory answer, because I haven’t truly achieved anything in life. This issue has been spoken about in lot of different ways on my blog earlier, as well. I just haven’t found the answers to the questions I need answered or at least the solution to not feel this way again. I’m pretty sure I need a clean slate, which I hope happens if I ever get the chance of being admitted in a decent college away from home and this is something that I really want. I have a lot of things unfinished, which I need to start focusing on. I need to be more sure and confident with regard to what I’m doing. This was something that lacked in me all week and deep inside my whole life. I need to not lack assurances. I need to be sure of myself. I need to believe in myself. That’s all for this week. Hope you have a great and positive week ahead. I hope I do too.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week 4 days were extremely hectic because of a submission that I had to make, one day was extremely fun because I went out (which is also the highlight of this week) and the other two days were the days I was extremely lazy. Did not go to the gym this week regularly. I am not writing my blogs properly. I am not reading. I have started watching TV shows that I intended to , which is a good thing. But now, I’m doing nothing apart from them. My exams start this week. I have only 4 exams but there are so many holidays in between, which I need to make use of. I need to NEED to score well this time. No lazing around. No excuses. I have ample time to prepare for all of them. I also need to get my sleep cycle back on track because my exams this time are in the morning. So, I need to get used to waking up in the morning so I can go write an exam. I’ll try giving more time for blog writing and violin practice for a brief duration every single day along with the gym. That’s all for this week. Hope you all have a great week ahead 😀

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I wasted this week. I spent the entire week focusing on watching a TV show. Though I feel it was unnecessary, I wanted to do it anyway. I went for my first violin class today. I loved it. I love that I’m finally learning an instrument. I have an exam tomorrow. Hopefully that goes well. Nothing else has truly been going on. I’ll write about a particular topic next Sunday, I promise. Hope you all have a great week ahead 😀

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

This week was a very annoyingly stressful and extremely happy week.

All the notes that I had written for my exams for the upcoming weeks somehow were stolen and now I have no notes to study from. I’m finding studying for these exams extremely difficult, to be honest.

A good thing that came out was that all the case studies that I worked my ass for, were a grand success. And I received commendable marks for them. I’m ecstatic about my work and the marks.

Another good thing was that last week, I mentioned something regarding planning to start doing “something” from the second week of October. Now that it’s definitely happening, I would love to announce that I’m going to be learning an instrument: the violin. And yes, I have no prior knowledge. Yes, I have a million other things to do. But, I also want to do this and I know I will regret it if I don’t. So, I’m finally learning an instrument.

I have three more exams this week. And then a week break before my end semester exams begin. I hope I can start again with regard to my notes and also do well. Hope you had a great week. Hope you have a great week ahead. See you next Sunday 😀

ALSO HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE THAT I’VE OFFICIALLY POSTED 50 BLOGS WITHOUT A WEEK’S BREAK!

Regards,

Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week was super hectic because I had to do a case study and submit that case study in the same week. Wasn’t really happy with that. This weekend I’m expected to do another case study and submit it on Monday. I hope it turns out to be good. And once I’m done with my case study, my preparations for my exams will begin. I really hope I don’t find the urge to be lazy and procrastinate, because I really want to do well in my exams.

I have not been really going to the gym for the past 10 days. I need to start doing that as well. The week after this, I have something planned that I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember. The dream that seemed distant now seems not so distant anymore. Hopefully, that starts in the second week of October. I’ll announce that once I can actually do it.

One other interesting thing happened this week. I put in a lot of effort into how I look in terms of my dressing because it was cultural week in my college. I didn’t apply make-up or change the way I wear my hair, but I just wore new styles of clothes than what I normally wouldn’t wear. I learnt a lot with this change in attires. A few of them are:

Firstly, I shocked myself and the people around me for being able to pull off such clothes. No one expected me to wear such authentic Indian clothes and be able to look good in them, as well.

Secondly, since I was able to pull it off, it acted as a huge confidence boost. I was getting random compliments from people I barely talk to. People were noticing me when I was walking, which made me super conscience. Maybe they always noticed me, but they made it evident this week, some even smiled at me. Some were hesitant to tell me I look good and some couldn’t stop staring at me. Which made me realise how much of an impact clothes can have on people.

Thirdly and weirdly enough, (some of you may think I’m lying or I’m just crazy) I found myself wondering if all of this was fake. It wasn’t, and I know it wasn’t fake. I did look good and the people around me also felt the same way. But I couldn’t help myself but think about and be extremely grateful for those people in my life who call me “beautiful”, “lovely” and other adjectives that make me feel good, when I’m not dressed up and when I don’t put in efforts to “look pretty”. So, I have this new-found admiration for people who called me pretty adjectives on “normal days”.

Yes, this doesn’t mean I am never going to dress up or I’m only going to wear pretty clothes. No extremes. If the situation demands me to wear something out of the ordinary, now I will gladly wear it because now I have the confidence that I would be able to pull it off. But on days when it’s not necessary, I will gladly be comfortable wearing the clothes that I usually wear. But I understood that I should not use my clothes as a medium to gain people’s attention or to seek validation.

This coming week, I have three aims: study well, go the gym all 7 days and read! Hope you all had a great week. Let me know what you thought about this blog in the comment section below. Let’s all have a great and productive week. See you, next Sunday!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

I just wanted to publish this blog because I wanted to remain consistent and I haven’t fully written the blog that I wanted to publish this week, because I have been extremely busy. I love absolutely love the fact that I study psychology and I hope that in the future I would love to work as a psychologist. Absolutely honoured. I promise to try being consistent as much as possible. Hope you had a great Sunday. Hope you have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

Yes, this is going to be a letter series for a couple more weeks because there haven’t really been situations for me to tell this individually to them or I’ve been to shy to tell them this. So this is a letter to one family member that I respect the most. So here goes:

Dear Family Member #1,

I’ve known you my whole life. You are able to read me thoroughly. You could tell, easily. You know almost everything about my life. You’ve known more than anyone else. You are really good at understanding the situation, comprehending it, rationalising it and coming up with a logical response. You have your own self doubts (just like the rest of us) but I’ll still look up to you and seek for your advice/motivation because no one does it better.

Our relationship is unimaginable. I don’t want to get into specifics, because I don’t really want the world to know how much you mean to me. But the phrase “I’d kill for you” would be apt here 😀 And also, I would gladly give my life for you (I’m an egotistical ass, so this definitely means something)

We don’t really know each other’s everyday happenings but we know each other. And to be honest, that means a lot. Something silly like I know you’re capable of asking me “was posting such letters really necessary?” And to be honest, it’s not really that necessary. And I was never going to write them and post them online. Especially because I’m extremely secretive about my life and my family or loved ones. These letters are not for other people to read. These letters are for me. These letters are for my satisfaction. Writing these letters gives me joy.

I love you. I have never said this to your face. But I truly do. You mean the world to me. I respect you. I admire you. I envy you. We may have our differences. We may think differently. We may have physical fights. But I am who I am because of you. Yes, there are other very few people that are shaping me into being the 20 year old girl that I am but you contributed to 60% of what makes me, me.

If someone asks me what are the top three childhood memories that I’d always cherish, you’re definitely in all three of them. You’re also the benchmark that I’ve set when I’m speaking with any person. The shit that my friends are doing, I’ve seen it already because of you. Sometimes, I understand and don’t judge them and wholeheartedly accept them because I’ve seen the things you’ve done.

I could listen to you talk all day. If I’m ever doing something, in my head, I’d always think if you’d be okay with it, or if you’d understand why I did it (even if there’s a 1% chance of you being okay with it, I do it without any hesitation, otherwise I don’t). I don’t believe in being blessed or having someone to thank for to have you in my life. I’d just want to thank the parenting styles that have been adopted to make you and I who we are and how close we are.

You’re strong. You’re capable. You’re much more. Thank you for not being stupid (I’m sure you’d say the same for me). Thank you for everything. I’m super glad to have you in my life!

Regards,
Your family member.

Hope you all liked this letter that I’ve written to a family member. Share your thoughts in the comment section below. Hope you all have a great Sunday and a lovely week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week I thought I will muster up the courage to write about what I expect from my lover. I was refraining from writing about this because my concept of love hasn’t remained constant throughout my life and also from the fear of being judged for having a lover or wanting a lover.

I like to believe that I have a very practical overview of what love is and how I expect my lover to be. I’ve mentioned this in my previous blog posts as well. I don’t really seek materialistic affection. Lust and love are two absolutely different things. Lust can turn into love and vice versa but they’re two different phenomenons which needn’t necessarily be present at the same time. Agreed that this letter will be politically correct because I do not want to indicate anything. So, here goes the letter to my lover:

Dear lover,

I believe that everything happens for a reason. So if you are in my life, it is for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is or I’ll never know (considering how slow I am). I always believe that communication is key. Yes, I hate confrontations and I hate sharing my feelings, but when it comes to being in a relationship, I’ll try my level best to be open about my feelings.

I truly don’t need you to do anything for me. I don’t need your constant praises about my body. I don’t need you to buy me things. I don’t need you to pay any bills. I don’t need you to surprise me. I don’t need you to be present all the damn time. I don’t need you to text me all the damn time. I don’t need you to introduce me as your lover to your friends. I don’t need you to include me in your plans with your friends unless you want to.

I just need your absolute honesty. I just need the time that we spend together to be qualitative. I want you to play video/mobile games with me. I want us to play pranks on each other. I need you to team up with me and prank others. I need you to show me you truly care for me even by not verbally telling me. I need you to be able to deal with the egotistical ass that I am. I need you to be able to verbally communicate what you want from me in this relationship.

I need you to accept my family’s restrictions. I need you to respect my family who are the 3 most important people in my life, as they are. I need you to be able to accept my priorities in life. I need you to be able to tell me to shut the hell up when I’m whiny or act needy. I want you to watch matches with me. I want you to have team fights with me. I want you to want to drive with me. I want you to try things you don’t normally do, for me, and be open about whether you liked the said thing or not.

I need you to be able to tell me the important things in your life (even if there is something more important than me, I’ll probably respect you for this). I need you to tell me if you want me to cook for you. I need you to be able to tell me that my dishes suck and what I could do to improve my cooking. I don’t want you to eat bland food that I cook because you don’t want to hurt my feelings.

I need you to be protective about me because I sure as hell will be. I need you to be able to deal with my constant negative self-esteem and self-doubt. I need you to be blunt with me. If you feel something is wrong, I need you to openly tell me. I need you to be able to tell me that you kissed another girl. I need you to be able to tell me if you cheat on me. I need you to be able to tell me if you want to give this relationship another try.

I need you to be comfortable around me and feel free to fart or burp or be goofy. I need you to even be able to crush on other girls or celebrities in front of me. I need you to tell me you’re busy and that you can’t talk right now. I want you to tell me when you are going out for a drink or a smoke, cause I won’t be judging or feeling left out. I want you to be comfortable enough to tell me you failed at something.

I want you to tell me lame jokes that other people so kindly discard because lame jokes are lame. I want you to want to kiss me. I want you to want to hold my hand while walking on the streets because I usually don’t hold hands. I want you to teach me things. I’ll do the same (probably even boast about it) if I know it. I want you tell me if I’m doing something wrong. I don’t mind you telling me I’m wrong at something. I’ll learn and be better at it. Yes, I’m egotistical but I’m always up for learning.

I’ll truly give my all. I’ll love you without even wanting to say those three magical words. I’m not very expressive/romantic when it comes to things like this. But I’ll subtly keep letting you know that you matter and you matter the most. I need you not to label our relationship. I’ll leave it up to you as to how you want to introduce me to your friends. I will always want to kiss you all the damn time. I’ll never say enough or be bored of your kisses. If there is one thing I’ll always be dramatically in need of, it would definitely be those soft/firm/rough/short/long kisses.

Thank you for coming in to my life as my lover. Thank you for everything you’ll do for me. Thank you for being okay to deal with my unnecessary sorrys and thank yous. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. Thank you, my love.

Regards,
Your lover.

Hope you all liked this letter. Feel free to share it to your lovers. Am I being too unrealistic for wanting a lover like this? What type of a lover do you want and what would you ask from your lover? Feel free to comment your thoughts and feelings about this post in the comment section below. Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week was fun, nothing really happened apart from me getting work done for college. Wish I was more productive than I was. I suck at time management and I’m not doing anything about it. I slept extremely late a couple of days, as well! Missed out on gym a lot, this week. I haven’t read a book since February. I haven’t played video games in almost a month. I don’t really know what I am doing. It’s not like I have tight schedule. I’m just whiling away time. Did not eat properly also this week. Need to make this week more relaxing and productive at the same time! See you next week. Hope you have a great week ahead 😀

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I’ve had my fair share of hating my body. Even now sometimes when I look at my stretch marks or my stomach, I get upset and conscious. But trust me when I say this, the way I look at my body is much more positive and healthy in comparison to last year.

Last year if you would ask me how much I hated my body on a scale of 10, I would have definitely said a 9.5 but now it has come down to a solid 1. I still find faults in my body. But I love how my body looks now. I know I am not supposed to boast about the curves and sizes but since I did not find them appealing last year and since I find it appealing now, I can’t help but be proud of them.

Me hating my body happened for a few reasons, one being my height. My height is 5’1. And it hugely impacted my body image. I hated the way I look because I was always made fun of being short, especially in high school. And let me also make it clear that teenagers who went to my school were not at all even close to being nice about it.

Another reason I hated my body was the fact that I was a late bloomer in terms of growing breasts and butt. And that made me looked immature or young for my age. Though I’m glad that I was a late bloomer, it impacted the way I looked at myself and I remember feeling so ashamed that, I being a girl, wasn’t able to do what I was biologically meant to do.

I still look kinda immature for my age. My height has remained the same. But now I genuinely do not care if people make fun of the way I look. I would join them in making fun of me as well and this transition only took place because of two reasons. One, I now have a healthy body image and I love the way I look. Two, I have started going to the gym which boosts me self-confidence in ways I can’t begin to explain.

Deciding to go to the gym was one among the best reasons I’ve ever made. Though the physical changes haven’t exactly been completely evident, I personally can see the changes. Take a picture of me in February (before gym) and in August (after gym) you can see a change. My shoulders have broadened. My curves have become more evident. And this change has changed me and helped change my perspective on my body.

Now, I am not saying that going to the gym is the way to have a healthy body image. Going to the gym worked for me. It necessarily may not work for you. All I’m saying from experience is you need to find that one thing that makes you feel sexy and good, if you are anywhere near to where I was when it comes to having an unhealthy body image. It can be anything. There is no greater feeling that having a great, good, healthy body image. Your whole life changes and becomes more positive.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I almost forgot to post this blog. Forgive me for being clumsy and all over the place. Been busy with exams and been wasting time and trying to finish everything in the last moment. But this time, I’m not panicking about procrastinating, tbh. And I do not know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. But, I’ll have to leave now as I’m have two difficult exams back to back. So, see you next Sunday. Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Regards,

Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week made me feel like I was getting my life in order because the work that I have been putting in since the start of this semester (June) has started to pay off and I hope it continues. I have gained clarity on what I want to be doing or at least the direction I want to take which is honestly like a weight is lifted off my shoulder.

I have exams coming up this week, so I’ll be busy with that. Need to learn to manage time efficiently. Never been able to do it properly. Hopefully I give my best for the upcoming papers. Let’s see how it really goes!

Sorry for being abrupt in this blog, can’t really think of anything apart from the work that I have to get done. Until next time, adios!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week I turned 20. Birthdays aren’t usually my thing. There are a few bad/unhappy memories attached to my previous birthdays. But this time, a few individuals apart from my family went out of their way to make this birthday pretty darn special. I will always remain grateful for this. Don’t think I would change my perspective on birthdays but it’s good to have a good/happy memory attached to it!

I have always been that person that lives in constant fear waiting for something bad to happen. Something that I would bring upon myself or something that would just happen because the circumstances/situation happens to be that way. And sometimes I can accept that, but sometimes I still can’t handle it and I go into this panic state which lets my mind run at 100 km’s/hour. I know the root cause, but I still can’t completely conquer it.

Next year this time, I would in a way know what my future would look like. So much would change. I hope it’s a good change and I’m happy with doing whatever it is that I am doing. I don’t want to be forced into doing something I don’t want to do and I wish that I get to do whatever feels right at the moment and make it work further from there.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

You want so many things in your life, 
You wish you had a million other things,
You yearn to own the biggest every thing,
You want to be the most knowledgeable person in the room,
but, take this “want” out.

The “want” that motivates you to do better in life,
The “want” that should be present in every individual,
just for a moment.

You’ll realise,
in that very moment:
Your life is pretty sorted.

Hope you find solace in this thought and accept your life for what it is, however it is. Acceptance of your life is the biggest gift you can give yourself. Once you accept your life, you can build on it and make it better. But you need to accept what you are and the state you are in, currently, with a practical mindset.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I feel like I have so much to say but nothing too trivial. I have had a lot of work, this week. Under a lot of emotional strain mainly from procrastinating until the very end when the panic monster wakes up.

Emotionally this week seemed uninteresting and dull. Mainly the people who I got surrounded with were very negative about their life and that affected me. I also got affected by a lot of insignificant things because I was afraid that I was going back to my “shell”. I overtly wanted to scream the things I want to say, but I didn’t do it. Which is, in a way, bad. I feel like I don’t have things in control.

Physically I have been going to the gym almost every day of this week, and now that I can start seeing physical changes in my body, I’m liking it more.

I need to really learn time management. I don’t get things done as quickly as I’m supposed to. It’s like I don’t have a proper structure in life. I need to get things in order. I need to set things right.

I need to bring positive vibes into the environment and discard the negativity that my environment is offering me.

This is all for this week. Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week I thought I shall talk about something that nobody truly knows about me.

One among the biggest reasons I fear getting close to someone is because I have separation anxiety. Everybody fears losing people. Nobody likes to watch people go, to be honest. But, what I have is different. I have a condition called Separation Anxiety.

So, let me explain further.

As a child, I would easily get attached to people. For example, say guests (family/friends) who would come home to stay for a few days (some family members came home for like one or two months). Irrelevant of the duration, I’d get attached and once they’d leave I’d cry. And I’d be sad for a couple of days until I get distracted with school and normal life.

Then when I was 12 years old, I lost a family member. Since that day, my anxiety elevated.

My anxiety elevated to the point where I would have nightmares about losing the most important people in my life. I used to be afraid of going to bed.

(I’m going to use “s/he” for convenience. There are actually a small number of people who mean a lot to me and I’d always be anxious about)

I would be anxious every time s/he would go out. Every time s/he went out, I would sit near the telephone because I would be scared that I’d receive a phone call from a random stranger informing me that s/he has met with an accident and has passed away.

In my head I would make up scenarios of how s/he would walk out of my life or would pass away and eventually leave me.

I would try to make sure that all of them would be in front of me for as long as possible. If they’d go out, I’d ask them when they’ll come back. If they don’t come back by that time, I’d start crying and feel nauseous. I’d feel instantly feel better once I hear them opening the door.

Sometimes, even if s/he is in the house but is out of my sight, I would go and find out where s/he is and check if they are still alive. (Yes, I used the word alive, as in, not dead)

When s/he would sleep (sometimes next to me), I’d take my finger closer to their nose or sometimes hug them to know if they’re still breathing or hold their wrist to check their pulse. Once I’d confirm that they’re still alive, I’d feel better.

Sometimes, I remember having moments wherein I’ve felt so fed up of being this anxious all the time and would actually want to them to die so, I don’t have to worry about them being alive. Grim shit, I know.

This feeling obviously meant that I detached my self from everybody so I don’t have to worry about them being alive. I couldn’t explain it to anyone, not even myself, regarding what I was going through.

Sometimes, I would also hope to be dead myself so I don’t have to go through this feeling. Selfish I know, but that’s how I would feel.

Over the past eight-ten months, I have let myself get close to a few individuals. Why I decided to do that and why I let myself do that is something I can’t comprehend. Because I have more people to worry about, you know. But now that I have done that and I let myself be close again to the most important people in my life, I just hope I don’t go back to worrying again, you know?

Which is why I’m in a way adamant to go to a place wherein none of my family members live, so in a way I don’t have an escape route when I get faced with this anxiety again. In a way that is stupid.

When it comes to a person like me, I need to be all in or all out. I can’t have any loop holes or escape routes. Because when I do, I know I will escape. Now, I have my family and I know I can run to them when things get hard. And I don’t want that. I need to learn to deal with my own shit. I need to have no escape routes to do that.

That’s all for this Sunday. Please share your thoughts about this blog. Thank you for reading.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

One among my biggest concerns for the past few weeks has been my eating problem which gradually has come down to me eating one meal a day.

I used to be a girl who could eat an entire medium base pizza with coke. Which slowly reduced to only being able to eat half a medium base pizza (this was in May). Which came down to eating one whole small base pizza. This week I could hardly eat two slices of a small base pizza.

Hence my eating problem.

What is causing this? I have no idea. I know what you’ll say. “You’re going to the gym, you’re probably making an effort unknowingly to cut down on your eating. You want to get slim faster” If you look at my physique, you’ll know that my intention of joining the gym was never to “slim down”.

I have a very small, petite figure. My intention was to get fit (in every possible way). Because of my weak physique, a couple of years ago, I could never walk more than 30 minutes. I’d feel dizzy if I walked more than 15 minutes in the sun. So my intention was to have a good stamina and to not have a “weak” body anymore. (I am getting there)

I am well aware that food plays a vital role in making the body stronger. But, I am just unable to eat. And I need to fix that. It terrifies me. I am afraid that my body would give in because I’m not giving it enough food. This whole week, I’ll be dedicated to getting my appetite back or at least to the point where I am having three meals a day.

Feel free to drop in a few tips I could use to make myself feel hungry. And what you think is my problem. Have a great week ahead. See you next Sunday.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

She sat there in her pink shorts and black tank-top, listening to music and sharing memes and some intellectual things written by other beautiful writers online with her family and friends also mildly questioning her existence because she wasted almost the entire day.

Loves listening to other people because it always gives her different perspective on various things in life. Maybe that’s why she never judges anyone. All she sometimes aims to do is get people talking and then she’s set for a beautiful conversation ahead. She barely might add anything, sometimes.

She finally decided what she wants to do next year. Deciding to give her own country which she loves the most a few more chances to make her want to stay and not making it another case of “the other side is always greener” or running off to another country is something she is still confused about.

One thing’s for sure. She’s always yearned for independence. People often mistake her ask for freedom for her being ungrateful of everything everyone has done for her. It’s just that she yearns to do things on her own and not have people spoon-feeding her everything she needs to know, no matter how hard that’ll be. For that she needs to do it from scratch at another city where no one she knows, lives.

She also always looks for people and things that will ignite a fire within.

Also remember this, humility and being authoritative are her weaknesses. She asks for humility with her and authoritativeness with others. She doesn’t care how you are with anyone else. With her and with the ones you love, she expects you to show humility.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

She was stuck between four walls. Trapped by the place she loved the most. Hating every single thing and every one was all she did the whole week. Suffocating was the floor she loved to lay down on. Two people who were not with her were her escape mechanism for the week. Sleep was the other mechanism that she used. Watching matches became her third escape. Eating 3 meals a day became gradually harder. Maybe, it’s the fear of finally agreeing to make decisions she was escaping from for almost two years now. Maybe, it’s facing everyone all over again. Maybe, she wanted solitude. Maybe, it was not having anything exciting to do. Maybe, the word she hates the most. Indecisiveness will be the cause of her death. She uses ‘maybe’ to tease others. That’s different. This maybe meant being unsure, being indeterminate, which is not pretty. Unpleasant was all she was the whole week. Extremely passive-aggressive and she couldn’t handle it. Rude would be the perfect word to describe it. Running away from her problems which is often convenient is what she found herself doing this week. What was she running from? What was she so afraid of? Why couldn’t she eat? Why couldn’t she say a few sentences without getting irritated? What was it that was taunting and haunting her? What did she want? Telling her that this is what was she wanted was the last thing she needed. She needs answers. Not from someone else. She needs to answer her questions on her own. And she hopes she soon does before ruining everything.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week that just went by? It was fun. This was one among those weeks that was filled with decisions that I didn’t put much thought into. I watched Avengers: Infinity War with my childhood best friend, which was super fun. I’ll always be a DC fan. But, I have to say  that Marvel knows how to produce good movies and keep the story line running and interesting. I absolutely loved the movie. A bit of a disappointing end, but another good Marvel movie. A few blogs ago, I spoke about my love for dancing and how I wanted to go back to dancing. And a dance studio I had been going to since I was 5-6 years old were conducting another 15 day summer workshop. Though I was unsure, I decided to go anyway. I learnt a few things about my body that I forgot I could do. I also learnt that I really do have a  “forgetting” problem. I keep forgetting the steps. I can officially say that I have forgotten how to dance the way I used to. Yes, I don’t have it in me anymore. And I’m not being a critic. I’m just stating facts. I’m definitely not upset about it. But joining this dance summer workshop gave me the confidence boost I needed with my body. So what if I can’t do mainstream dancing? My body can still sway and move and that’s more than enough for me. I also went out for lunch with a close friend and that was time well spent. I went for another movie called “102 not out” and the way Amitabh’s character at that age in the movie, looks at life? That’s exactly how I want to my future, way-older self,  to look at life.

The above mentioned are just the important events that took place this week. But what about this week made me want to dedicate an entire blog to it? This week I was content. This week I was laid back. I wasn’t stressing about what I want to do next. I wasn’t thinking about anything related to the past or the future. I was present in the present. Three things I wish I did differently this week would be spending more time reading, less time sleeping and avoiding aerated drinks. This week was different from weeks I usually have. I was just calm. I usually am hesitant to making long term commitments for one particular thing, because I get distracted easily. But, this week I paid for a class which I’ll have to go for one year, which begins after my dance classes end. It’ll be hard in the beginning, but I’ll have to learn to get used to it. I had a great week. How was your week? What did you think about my week? Share your thoughts on this blog. Hope you all have a great week ahead. Happy Sunday.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week I thought I’ll speak about someone who gave me hope when I was in school. I was a timid, low-on-confidence, talkative, creative and demanding brat, in school. Teachers never really liked me (even now, somewhat). They have punished me. They have given me impositions. They have kicked me out of class. True story: My friend and I weren’t allowed to enter one class for 5 months because we were talking (and laughing) in class. That teacher would walk in and we would walk out and stand in the corridor. (THOSE WERE THE DAYS, EH?) They have given me impositions. They have made me go to the Principal’s office. Any punishment you name it, I’ve done it all. I was at that phase wherein everyone was against me and there wasn’t really someone I could bank on, and I needed external support, support not just from my house, but from outsiders. Then came this lady who was my teacher. She taught me for 3 years straight. She knew everything I did in school. She knew how the other girls in school treated me. She knew what I was going through. EVERYTHING. But even then she didn’t leave my side. She always called me to the staff room and gave me pep talks. Everyone knew that if you have to “tame” me, you have to call this teacher. Deep inside, she was also the only teacher I ever truly respected. She was one honest person. Every teacher always told me that I was capable of much more. But this teacher made me believe it. She scolded me everyday. But I didn’t mind them because I knew she was doing that to bring out the best in me. She taught me what loyalty truly was. She never hated me for the things I’d done. She never judged me for what I’d done. She understood what I was going through. She was a staunch believer of Jesus. She prayed for me everyday. But she never judged me for not believing in God. She made me get professional help in school to help me understand why I was going through that “rebel” stage. She had also helped me get away with a lot of things 😛 She fought with other school faculty members even though I was wrong. She always told me that if anyone tells me anything, it was my duty to tell her. Because I was her student and nobody else has the right to scold her student (me). This teacher was a true bad-ass, I’m not kidding. I absolutely love her and respect her even to this day. I haven’t forgotten even a single thing she ever said to me. She was one among the very few people who pushed me forward. When I’d gone to collect the mark sheet from my school after I had joined college, she was the only person I wanted to meet. She was actually taking class at that moment, she left her class to come out and speak. She asked how I was doing and what I’d decided for college and I was joking about how a person like me, with my background, chose to do psychology for her Bachelors degree and that was when she patted my shoulders and assured me for the first time that now she is not afraid anymore for me because she now knew I’ll do something in my life. And now, she was confident because I showed her confidence in myself and in what I was doing. I asked her why and why now? She smiled and replied that the people who are not afraid to laugh at themselves are the ones who are truly confident and she knew that I was confident now. I never truly got it when she said that. As time passed, I realised how I was afraid to laugh at myself and how I’m not anymore. This lady means a lot to me. She was one among the most instrumental persons who helped me become who I am, now. I’m not in touch with her. Maybe I’ll go to school one day and meet her once. People asked me why I didn’t feel I needed God. It was because she was the God-like figure, I needed. She’ll be happy for me and the way I’ve turned out. I’m sure I have not let her down in any way. She was right. Things and people who truly matter won’t leave your side. Thank you for being an inspiration. Massive respect.

Regards,
An ex-spoilt brat,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

She is lost for words. Everything was perfect. It had been almost four months since she felt that way. But one phone call saying “You have to come, no excuses” was all the trigger she needed to bring back those memories. Is she that weak? Didn’t she work for 2 years to be as strong minded as possible? If she lets anything trigger her, then where did that strength that she was trying to build go? Why is she not able to let go, completely? She knows sometimes people say that some feelings are there that you never can let go off. But, no. She worked for it. And, she worked her ass to get rid of this feeling. Maybe it’ll take more time than she anticipated. But, right now, right this moment, she is down in the dumps. She can’t stop thinking about it. And she is going to spend every second for almost a week dreading this feeling. Now, it’s every four months. Maybe soon, it will happen every six months, and finally it will go away and it’ll just become a sour dream. People call her drama queen, weak and pathetic. She doesn’t mind them. She never really listens to what others say because, she knows who she is. But, sometimes, she wishes those labels weren’t true. Her hatred for “labels” begins here. And maybe that’s why she hates when people ask her to label their relationship with her. Because labels only make her feel like shit. And she’d rather meet three different sets of people who want to spend time with her that week rather than run away and feel like shit.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

My exams are finally done. I have a two month vacation now. And, there are a few things that I want to do religiously in these holidays. No excuses what-so-ever. But, I’m happy and excited for this break. And, ever since my exams have gotten over, I’ve been waking up early like around 7 am, everyday. Which is surprising, but I’m not complaining. I feel like I have so much time on my hands, now. This week I thought I’ll talk to you all about myself. I haven’t really told you a lot about myself, I’ve only told you what I feel in varied situations, every week. And I’m not a person who shares a lot about myself because I usually have this “actions speak louder than words” mentality. But, since the past few months, I’ve been open about my feelings and it feels good. So, here are a few things about me that I don’t think I’ve shared before.

I love authority. I love speaking with authoritative people. I love being in charge. I love people who are in charge. I look up to people who are authoritative. Because, such people ooze confidence. They know what they want or at least know what they’re talking about. If you ask me to go speak with faculty members in schools/colleges or any CEO of any company or even the prime minister of India, I will do it without a second thought. There are only a handful of people who intimidate me or make me nervous.

I dislike extravagant things. Be it clothes, restaurants, talks, bags, shoes, houses. I am a very homely simple girl. I don’t know why I find extravagant people/things pretentious and deceptive. I don’t really have a proper reason for why I think that way, but I do. I love simple things.

I love people who love making conversations even when either of us or sometimes both of us have nothing to speak. Some may say it is a waste of time. I don’t care what ‘some’ say 😛 Because these are the people who care enough not only to be there when things are bad or good, but even when things are normal and there’s nothing happening in my life. This shows they have accepted my life when it’s mundane and not spicy. And these are the people I’ll try my best to never let go off, even if I’m not in the same city as them.

I dislike when people try to fit in. People have often told me that I’m not like “normal girls”. First of all, there is no such thing as “normal” girls. But, I know what they mean by me not being like “normal” girls. It’s because I like the things that are quite different from what my friends usually like and the way that I think is quite different from many girls. But things like these don’t matter. At least to me. And I’m glad that the all girls/ladies I am the most closest to even though we are all quite different from each other, we always find something new almost every few days to bond over. None of us are trying to fit in. We have just accepted each other for who we are. But, I would hated myself for leaving the things I like or if they changed themselves to be like me, to fit in or be more liked.

These are the few things I could think of. What are your thoughts on my likes and dislikes? What are your likes/dislikes? Let me know in the comment section below. Hope you all have a great and productive week ahead. Happy Sunday 😀

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I have my exams going on. Not going to lie, I’m not fully focused. I’m still entertaining myself even without finishing my syllabus. You’ll be like we’ve all been there. But no, trust me when I say this, I procrastinate and not at the normal rate. I have a difficult exam tomorrow and I haven’t touched my book, yet. I’ll be starting after publishing this blog. I’m not saying this to boast, but in the end I almost always manage to pass. I have literally passed one among the most difficult subjects last semester, with literally just 2 hours of studying. I thought I will have to repeat that paper again, but I passed that paper with a B. So, one would ask, why don’t you study for four more hours and get an O, which is the highest rank? Well the panic monkey in my brain doesn’t wake up early. It wakes only when it is very very close to the exam or the deadline.

One among the things I find extremely difficult to do is have a fixed routine. Especially during exams. People who wake up at the same time and sleep at the same time, I can never understand how you guys do it, and in a way I envy you for doing it. Because even if I try I can never bring myself to a routine. I’ll tell you why I never have a proper routine. A major reason is I don’t have a fixed sleeping pattern. I can sleep for 12 hours straight and I can also survive with no sleep for 36 hours. Because, since I procrastinate, most of the times, I have to stay up completing whatever I didn’t complete. Otherwise I’m watching something on the TV, laptop or the phone. It may sound like I’m making excuses, but it’s true. I don’t have a fixed sleeping pattern.

I don’t think I’m that girl who’s made for having a fixed pattern, to be blunt. I love variations. I hate things being the same way. But, it should be at my own pace. But, I feel like I waste a lot of time sleeping. I feel that it’s okay to not have a fixed sleeping pattern, but I should concise it to at least 6-7 hours and not more than that. I sleep for more hours than required, which I should avoid doing. How I can try curbing that, is by actually forcing myself to do something other than sleep. Something that I can’t make excuses for.

I can never see myself following a single routine. And when that day comes, I’ll be in utter shock. Not being dramatic. Which is why sometimes, I don’t think I would do good at a proper 9-5 job. Because I don’t see myself following a monotonous routine. I find my 1-6 college timings pretty monotonous. I’ll have to look for a job that changes and doesn’t have a fixed routine or I must find a way to be okay with routines and deal with them better. It’s not that complicated, to have a fixed routine. But, I’m not trying to break it, because I love not having a fixed pattern.

I am so happy my exams are getting over. I have so much that I want to do during this two month break. And I hope I don’t waste my time only entertaining myself. I don’t hope for a fixed routine, but I want to do something valuable with my time. And let me also put it out there, that I don’t hate routines. It’s just that I don’t function well with a fixed routine. Do you also have any problems with routines? If yes, how have you tackled them or how do you plan on tackling them? Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

Time flies. It’s already the beginning of the fourth month. And this year has been nothing but good to me. And I’m eternally grateful for that. There are a few things I could have done differently, but there are a lot of things I’m happy I voluntarily took part in or did. Almost a year ago I was obsessed with this online game called Agar.io and I’d forgotten about this game until last night when I was procrastinating and going through my play store library to look for apps that I used to have on my phone (extremely random thing to do, I know). So, that got me thinking about the two lessons that this game had taught me but it’s not a universal lesson for everything that we do in life. I don’t think there exists a universal lesson that applies to every problem/situation in life.

1. Surpass Or Get Surpassed – Yes, this is also similar to a quote by Frank Underwood from House Of Cards. But, this makes so much sense if you look at mainly the professional part of your life. That part of your life where you’re expected to put aside your emotions and make rational decisions. That part of your life where you are trying to climb some hypothetical ladder of life. If you want to be the guy at a better position that you have to overtake the guy who’s hypothetically above you and be that guy. If you want to be the best, then you have to work for it and be the best. You can’t just sit stagnant and expect you to be in the same position for the rest of your life, because then someone who wants to do better and who is at a lower position will surpass you and your stagnant position, leaving you behind. So either hypothetically surpass people and move forward in life or get surpassed and get left behind.
2. You Can Always Begin Again – And this lesson is one among those very common life lesson that often is forgotten. It’s okay to fail, because you can always begin again. After failing at some thing many of us find it hard to begin again. Even if you were eaten at your prime, don’t be too upset. There is always another chance. There will always be another chance. Chance to start again. And maybe do it better than the last time.

I don’t think I have implemented these two lessons in my everyday life, because I’ve either been lazy or haven’t wanted the said thing enough for me to start again. Maybe, this is where the competitive spirit that I said was lacking a few blogs ago comes into play. And since that blog, I have been pushing forward. That feeling of being stagnant is still there but say from 100% it has come down to a 90%. Slow progress? Maybe. But to be honest, I’m just glad there is a progress. I would love to know what your thoughts are. Hope you all have a great week and month ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I feel my blogs are repetitive. I feel I always speak a lot, dream a lot, but actually end up doing nothing or too little or not enough. Sometimes, I feel like I own the fucking place. Sometimes, I just want to forget everything/everyone and go to my room and not speak a word to anyone for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I do so much in one day. Sometimes, I literally stay on my bed and waste time listening to songs I’ve already heard and daydream, all day. I’m not a person who is afraid. I’m not scared to do things in life. In fact, I love spontaneity. I love doing new things. I just don’t know how to do a lot of things. And not knowing is something I’m not ashamed of. I would gladly ask people. I have gladly been asking people. I will continue to do so. I’m not afraid to ask someone for help. I’m just afraid of asking the wrong person. And I want to learn more because I don’t know much. This is not lack of self-esteem. I genuinely do not know so many things. And I can’t say I’m trying my best to learn, I can’t say I’m good at things and I can’t say that I’m bad at things. I’m in the middle. I know. But not enough. Again, it is not that I doubt myself. I’m just talking facts. And I’m not ashamed to accept it. I have felt it’s not enough for anything/everything in life and all along I’ve been giving up. I’m not giving up. I’m done giving up. There is hope. Just have to channel it in some path. “It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?” ~ Henry David Thoreau. So, I need to find my path. Whether, it’s the right path or the wrong path, we can only find out through actually walking the path. All I got to do is walk the path that I’ve been too lazy to walk. To show how serious I am about it, I created a map, that doesn’t lead me to my goal, but gives me the clarity of thought that I need to set proper goals in life. I’m accountable to each and every one of you who read my blogs. And if a person who is afraid of commitment is committing to such a large audience, it should clearly show my level of commitment to this road to betterment. And though I’ve said this so many times before, I’m serious about it this time. My laziness or my constant cycle of giving up will not get the best of me.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

Everything is going so well. I’m at this point in my life, where I have everything I could possibly need. At this very moment, I feel extreme happiness. I met someone this Saturday, someone whom I hadn’t met for almost 2 years, and one conversation with that person gave me the extra motivation that I needed in life. It’s true when they say that unexpected people motivate you. And my life has always been like that. I’m always forced to expect the unexpected because expected things don’t always happen. But, I’m fine. I love unexpected things/situations, now. But conversing with that individual made me realise how some things change and they change drastically, and how some things never change. One other fun thing that I did this Saturday was, I went to my first indoor tribute concert for Chester Bennington. And I had a great time. I’ve always been a huge fan of Linkin Park. And, for me, Linkin Park was right there with One Direction, Bruno Mars, Ed Sheeran, One Republic and Pink Floyd. I forgot most of the lyrics to most of their songs, because I hadn’t listened to their songs in a long time, but it was fine. I had fun. I was accompanied by people that mean a lot to me and that was all I needed to make my night the best. One more important thing that happened this week was I realised how naively we judge people without knowing anything about that individual. Which was one among the changes I’d attempted to make when I was making the “the big change” in my life. It’s easy for any of us to pass judgements and get away with it. I know it’s human nature to judge someone, but I have tried not to do that, as much as I used to. But, my friend and I were talking about how we randomly pass judgements and how wrong we were for doing that. Right now, all I need to do is get my shit together and study for the next four weeks. Got nothing else to say. Hope you all took something from this post. Have a great week ahead. Adiós.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

Let me tell you about my relationship with dance. I started dancing when I was four years old. I love dancing. I was very flexible. I could do splits, handstands with such ease. Now, I’m just a fat potato who can’t do anything, properly. Without trying to boast much, I used to be proud of the way I danced. I took part in a lot of programs in school and outside school, as well. What is dance to me?

Dance. Dance is like meditation. When I’m dancing, I am free. When I’m dancing, dance is all I think about. Dancing takes all my problems away. I’m not thinking when I’m dancing. The beats. The way my body moves to the tune. I feel utmost happiness when I’m dancing. I’m just trying to explain what I feel when I’m dancing. Dancing brings out my emotions. Dancing overwhelms me. Dancing makes me smile. Sometimes, when people ask me ‘what does dance mean to you?’, I often say some random adjective that comes to my mind, then. But, what dance means to me, can never be put into words. And to be honest, it’s something that I don’t want to put into words.

So, why did I stop dancing? I stopped dancing because I wasn’t confident anymore. I stopped dancing because I was dealing with a lot of other things that needed immediate attention. I stopped going for dance classes. But, it was mainly because of lack of self-confidence. Even now, you ask me to go stand in front of the crowd and dance, I wouldn’t be able to. I wasn’t able to dance in front of my friends, but lately that’s changing.

So I have been working out for a few months, now. And one among the main reasons for me to do that, is to bring my body to be able to do things that I could do, with such ease. I want that back. I want my flexibility back. I want to be able to dance the way I used to. I want to be intoxicated by the feeling that dancing gives me. I may or may not show-case it to the world. But, I want to do this, just for me. For my own joy. I was like a rubber-band. Now I’m a stone. I want to be a rubber-band again. I want to love dancing again. If dancing was a person, then, I’m the idiot who let go of it, because I was dealing with my own problems and couldn’t give it enough attention. It’s a long lost love, that like many love stories, went away, because I was too stubborn. And now, I want it back. I hope it gives me another chance 😀 But, in all seriousness, I would love to give dancing another try and hope it works out.

What am I waiting for? Nothing. I’m just making excuses. It’s just fear. I’m afraid that what if I’m not able to do the things that I used to be able to. And I know what you all will say. That, I’ll never know unless I try it. And, I agree. I’ll never know until I try. Maybe I should just give it a try. Writing a blog about dancing made me want to dance. And that’s something I never thought I’d say. It made me realise what I was missing out on. Sometimes, we tend to forget about the things that gives us utmost joy. And I’m glad I wrote down my thoughts on dancing. Maybe, I’ll even give dancing another try. I’ll suck at it. But with practice, I’m sure I can bring the spark back. And I hope I do. Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I’ve never been this girl who believed in making the effort to give a good first impression. Yes, I’ll be nervous because I’ll be busy thinking (overthinking, sometimes) what that person is thinking about me and what judgements they make and what social classes they immediately put me under. But, that being said, I never make an attempt to go out there and be someone I’m not. Because, eventually everyone will be able to see through the bullshit and know who you truly are. So, why not be you, since day one?

I’m not that observant, if I’m honest. Like, I don’t pay attention to detail. Like I would just walk past you and not even realise you were there. Or I would not remember the colour of your clothes. Or I wouldn’t see that there is a paper on the floor with weird stuff written on it, until my friend points it out to me. Only if it’s something way out of the ordinary, then I pay attention to it. I often look at it from a “what am I going to do with knowing the colour of your t-shirt?” perspective. Which is why I would suck at giving alibi’s in case of some murder. The police officials would think I’m lying, but I genuinely would not have noticed. I’m trying to change this, though. I’m trying to be more observant, more aware of my surroundings.

I went to this interview once and I learnt something that stuck with me ever since. I’ve only been officially interviewed once. That too, to get into the college I’m currently studying at. I was extremely nervous because it was a ‘novel situation’. But, I remember going in to the hall, and once the conversation began, I remember losing all my fear and nervousness and cracking a joke about how my college and school are extremely similar because they belong to the same authorities. And once I walked out of the hall, I felt so good. I felt like I conquered it all 😀 Which should have taught me how to not be nervous for novel situations, but that’s something I still haven’t found a solution to. But this interview, taught me something else. Something that I have been believer of, since that day. Something that I’m explaining in this blog. This interview taught me that whether it’s your first impression or your last, make sure you are who you are. It’s okay if people judge you. It’s okay if they never want to speak with you. You’ll eventually find the people who are as crazy as you and don’t mind having someone like you in their lives. Don’t change who you are, to fit in. Don’t try to fit in. Don’t try to prove a point. Don’t try to showcase your plus points, just to hide your negatives. And do not be ashamed of your negatives. Which is one among the reasons, I don’t “try” to make a good first impression. Yes, the fear of thinking what the other person is thinking about me will always be there. But, that doesn’t affect me in any way. That doesn’t make me want to change who I am, as an individual. So what, if they label me?

And if I’m being completely honest, every first impression I have ever had about an individual has never been completely true. So, I have in a way stopped consciously trying to judge someone based on the first time, I meet them. It happens automatically, because it’s human tendency to try to categorise the individual into social groups to try to understand the individual. But since most of my judgements have been a fail, I give everyone the opportunity to show me who they truly are. And most of the time, the first impressions I’ve had have been completely different from what they actually turn out to be. There are usually more positives than the negatives, which shows how deceptive first impressions can be. So no, I don’t believe in first impressions. Have a great week, ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I really need to work on my blog schedule. Some weeks, my blog for the week is ready by Monday. Some weeks, I procrastinate till 11 pm on a Sunday. If I can be honest, I have nothing to say. I don’t really have a particular topic that I want to share my opinions on, this week. I had such a good week that sometimes I’m just taken aback by the number of positive people I have in my life. Here’s a funny thing about this week. I’m this person who doesn’t really go out, often. But, in a span of 7 days, I’ve watched 3 movies at the theatre (there were times when I hadn’t watch one movie in the theatre for 6 months, straight). So, that’s something that happened out of the ordinary. Another thing that happened out of the ordinary was my fear of speaking in front of an unknown crowd has reduced a bit. Now, I’m still stammering. I still have to look at my notes. I still am nervous. But, if asked to do it, I wouldn’t mind doing it. So, there is improvement. I haven’t worked out for 17 days straight, and now, I can feel myself getting tired easily. I need to start again. I need to join some sport. I know saying I have so much to do is just an excuse and I need to stop making excuses. I need to stop being so lazy. You know what I love about myself? I love who and where I am. But, this urge of wanting to do more, is my favourite thing about myself. Today, after so long I went for a walk on the beach with my mother. But, I like walking fast, so I went faster. If you personally know me, you know that I’m sucker for little things in life. So, I went on walking with music in my ears. Everybody kept staring at me, because I wasn’t wearing a “walking-worthy” attire. I was in my jeans, crocs and t-shirt. I know, I can be stupid sometimes. And my calf started hurting badly, because I haven’t been working out. But, I love this pain. This pain in a way tells me that I did something that day. But, while all this was happening, I was free. I was content. I was happy. I was listening to tamil, hindi and english songs that I used to listen to back in 2012. I was happy. May seem silly to most of you, but I loved those 31 minutes. And, I want to do more of that. I want to feel more free. When I drive my car, there is this sense of individuality that I get. I want more of this individuality. When I manage some event, I feel in control of the situation. I want more of that. Sorry for being extremely vague in this blog. But, this is where my mind’s at. Have you felt this way before? What did you to get out of it? Hope you all have a great week, ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week was such an eventful week and I have done a few things I’d never done in my life before and I guess that’s what makes this week a memorable one. One day, when I talk about my life to my grand children, this week will definitely be mentioned.

I have always been a lover of life. Look around you. What’s not to love? I love life, which is why I’m almost always in a good mood. I’m always having a good time. I’m always cracking lame jokes. I’m always smiling. I’m always singing and dancing and crushing over several celebrities and singers and sportsmen. Maybe that’s why I’m not a competitive person. Which is funny, because I love sports. (It’s funny how I found me not being competitive in life, funny) I’m never a competitive person. Like, I’ll give my all. I’ll be disappointed if I don’t win anything. But, I won’t ever be sad about losing. Because, doing the said thing matters more than winning, if I’m honest.

Sometimes, I feel that me lacking the competitive spirit makes me a very laid back person in life and that’s not always a good thing. It gives out the “I don’t care enough about it” vibe. Which is not true. I do care enough. But, I’m not competitive about it. Even in relationships that I have with every individual, I never show that I’m possessive about them and maybe it’s a bad thing, maybe it’s not. For example, if my family or close friends are talking to someone else, I’d never be angry or jealous, because I know they’re always going to come back to me. May also tell me what happened. That’s how I guess I can say that I trust that individual. And you may ask, what if they don’t come back? To that I’d say that, then they don’t come back. Then that particular relation/bonding wasn’t meant to be (sometimes easier said than done, but not impossible).

Being competitive may be something that I lack. But that doesn’t mean that I’ll never fight for what I want, fight for what’s mine, fight for what I want to do in life, fight for myself, fight for my family, fight for my friends, fight for what I think is right, fight for what/whom I love. Nobody can make me do something I don’t want to do. Some may call this as being ‘stubborn’, but that’s just who I am.

But if I’m being honest, I want to be competitive. I want to be competitive with myself. I want to grow. Be better. I want to learn how to be competitive in life. Positive competition. Healthy competition. I don’t want to be a very chilled, laid back person in life, because some say that it is very important to be competitive in life to get more done in life. And I’ve always wanted to do more in life. I guess I should find and learn ways to bring out the competitive spirit that’s currently lacking. Feel free to drop some suggestions, I’m all ears. Hope you had a great week and good luck for the coming week. Kick ass.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I have always been a sentimental person. Little things have always mattered to me. But, I’ve always been sceptical of love. And I never believed that unconditional love exists. Since I was a ten year old girl, I’ve always looked for hidden agendas when someone showered their ‘love’ on me. And most of the times, I have always been successful in finding out a hidden reason as to why they love me or pretend to love me.

My way of showing love is quite “old-school”. My way of showing love is very different than most individuals, I know. I was never a person who sought materialistic love. I don’t want you go out of your way to prove that you love me. For me, consistency matters. I’m a person who wants you to not be jealous of my happiness. I want you to be there to laugh with me. I don’t want a shoulder to cry on when I’m sad. I want to you bring me back to my laughing self. I don’t want you to bring me gifts. I want you to call or text me and ask me how my day was. To me, that phone call or text will mean more than an Audi R8 ever will. In a way, I want your friendship. I want you to tell me how your day was. For me, that is love. Not gifts. Not Instagram/Facebook captions. Not jewellery. Not validation. Not sex. Not unreasonable dramas. Not lies. Not your repeated attempts at showing the entire world that you love me. Being there for me is a necessity. Having a good time together is more than I’ll ever need. Laughing with me is the ideal relationship. Making me forget all my existing problems is what I look for when I think about the concept of love.

There are a few people who have always showered me with unconditional love. Love that cannot be put into words. This week someone reminded what this unconditional love is all about. Someone I have met only thrice in my life came to meet me. And this person, in a span of 72 hours, changed my entire perspective on love. This individual’s love for me was pure. This love was unconditional. This love was filled with joy. This love left me speechless, and there are very few occasions when I’m left speechless. Very rarely I’m left with “what the fuck just happened?” moments, and this week was one among them. This week when I received this love, I wasn’t able to comprehend what I was hit with. It was overwhelming, if I’m honest.

This person showed me what unconditional love was. Rather, reminded me what unconditional love was. This person who visited me showed me what love truly is all about. Showed me how valuable and vulnerable unconditional love is. This person just made me realise what I have always wanted and helped me put this feeling into words. This person who visited me, is at this stage in life where nothing else matters apart from love and presence. And that was just everything I needed. The hugs I received made me feel so content with everything in life. I didn’t give this person anything. This person didn’t give me anything. But, somehow this bond was created, this bond of love. This bond of unconditional love that I don’t think I’ll get anywhere else.

Now, I believe that unconditional love exists. I’ll always be sceptical of “love”. I’ll always have my guard up. But once I know that a person loves me unconditionally, I’ll give my all. The feeling of unconditional love is something that cannot be truly put into words. I’ve just tried to put it into the context of what my meaning of unconditional love is. Everyone has their own and should have their own meanings. I believe that money and sex can give anyone all the happiness in the world. And you can buy anything with money. But, for me, true friendship, loyalty and unconditional love can never be bought. The three valuables that I can proudly say I possess and value the most.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week, I had made a big mistake that I couldn’t deal with. I made a bunch of errors in the past three months that lead to a bigger error that made me throw away everything I was working towards. I was shattered when I found out. And, it took me 12 hours to get over it. How did I cope with such news? I slept for an hour. I woke up. Fought with someone I dearly love. I skipped dinner. Then, once I wanted to try facing this problem, I started talking to my friends about it. Then, I tried to change my mood by laughing at videos of my friends and I. And then, when all my friends finally went to bed, and I was all alone at 3 am, I wrote. I wrote everything I felt. Everything I wanted to say, every thought, every word. And, (I’m not ashamed to say this) I cried. I don’t usually shed tears. At least I try not to. But, this night, I cried. I was so overwhelmed. Once I was in control of my emotions, I started thinking logically. I started with what can be done about this situation. What should I do differently this time? Since, I’m a person who prefers writing, I wrote down every possible solution to this problem along with its pro’s and con’s. I stayed up the entire night, doing this.

Do I regret doing everything I did? No. But, if I can be honest, I wish I handled it better. Not to the world. To the world, I seemed perfectly normal. I didn’t cry and I didn’t react. I was laughing at myself in front of them. I mean, internally. I wish I didn’t feel as low as I did. I wish my confidence didn’t scoop down to zero. Internally, I was fucking shattered. But, something I’m proud of myself for doing is I eventually made fun of myself and laughed it off. It took me 12 hours, agreed. But, it ended with me laughing at my mistakes, which according to me is the most important part. You have to laugh. You have to laugh at yourself. So when the world laughs at you, you won’t be hurt.

Why am I sharing this story with you? Because I want you to look at errors the same way I do. And if you are actually overwhelmed by your mistake, it’s okay. It’s just that after the error is made, and after you deal with your emotions, you have to learn how to laugh it off. From sulking to a week straight, I’m glad I brought it down to 12 hours. Look at mistakes/errors with amusement. Do not be afraid of making errors. Trust me, if a person like me who was always afraid to make the silliest mistake, can laugh off a grave mistake in the most humble way possible, then so can you. Errors are something, I’m known for making, daily. I make so many errors on a regular basis, that it’s funny. I’m so used to making errors that it doesn’t matter, anymore. I used to be affected. I used to be afraid of failure. I used to hate making errors. I felt that I was a bad person or a stupid person for making errors. Not anymore. Not since I decided not be affected by errors. Making errors define me. I’m not me without errors.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

Everyone always has something to say. Whether it’s important or makes sense or worthy of hearing is debatable and not something that will be the matter of discussion for this blog. (To be honest, I don’t know where I am going with this blog, but let me just say what I feel and see if it makes sense, in the end) Everyone is always waiting for people to listen to them. They are always waiting to voice out their opinion. They are always waiting to impart their wisdom. They are always waiting to share their experiences. They are waiting for someone to ask them about themselves. They are waiting to be interviewed. They want someone to ask them random questions. They want someone to ask them deep questions. Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to say something. Everyone wants a listener.

So do I. Deep down, this ‘want to be heard’ is also one among the reasons I started writing this blog and many other previous blogs. In a way, it’s me voicing out my opinion on various topics or sharing how a felt on a particular day or series of days. To me, this is just me on my laptop writing words on a digital notepad. The fact that there are so many of you reading my blog every day, doesn’t hit me, until someone I know says something about the blog. But, call me a shy person or a coward, I’d rather stay at home and voice out my opinion, rather than sit with a bunch of my friends or stand on a stage, and say what I feel. I rarely do something like that. It’s just how I am. But this blog is my way of saying what I feel and being heard (in the most humble way possible).

In reality, I let others talk, because someone always has something to say. I have my blog to rant to. Many people aren’t able to let it out, maybe because they haven’t found how to. So I listen. When I am with a bunch of people, I usually sit quietly and listen. I would not call myself shy. It’s maybe because I love listening, maybe because I don’t know what to add. Maybe because someone always has something to say, that I don’t want to interrupt them and let them say what they want to say. But, that doesn’t make me shy. I usually speak a lot, when I’m having a one-on-one conversation with someone. But not when I’m a part of a group. And that’s fine. People find their own methods to voice out their opinion. I found this blog. My friends and family found me 😛

It’s not bad that you want to be heard. It is not something someone needs to shy away from. It’s okay to want to be heard. It is human nature. No one should be ashamed of saying that they want to be heard. People have this attitude towards people who share more about their life on social media. That’s their way of voicing out what they feel. It’s their way of showing everyone what they’re doing and where they’re at, in life. Just because it isn’t something you and I would do, doesn’t mean that we have earned the right to pass judgements about them. You’re lying if you say that if you came first place in a marathon, you wouldn’t share this joy with anyone. You would jump and scream and hug everyone you meet. They just share it on social media. So what? Just because you found another way to show your successes and you have your own methods to voice out what you feel, doesn’t give you the right or opportunity to judge other’s methods.

I still don’t know where I am going with this blog. But, maybe all I am trying to say is that, everyone wants to say what they want to say and be heard. I found my way through this blog. You have your own methods. Or you’ll soon find a way. But, don’t judge others for their methods because you do the same thing, in another way. Have a great week ahead. See you, next Sunday!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

This week I thought I shall talk to you about my weird relationship with plans and why, in a way, I’ve stopped planning. The best things happen to me when they are not planned or when I don’t put too much thought into the said plan. And, planned things never go as planned. Initially, I hated it. I hated not being in control of what was happening. I hated the fact that things never go as I wanted them to. But now, I am that used to it that I find it amusing. Because, 8 out 10 times, when things aren’t planned, I make the best memories. In a way, I have stopped planning. Which may seem stupid to a few of you, but for me, I look at it with a “what’s the point” attitude.

Last week would be the best example for when I say best things happen when I don’t plan anything. It all started with me complaining about how I wanted to go for this concert and that nobody was “free” to come along. And one among my close friends at college instantly said yes to coming along if I would go. This spontaneous decision that I made (still having to convince my parents, but I knew they wouldn’t mind) lead to me having probably one among the best nights of my life. It was daunting at first, but an hour into the concert, I didn’t care and I had a blast. The fact that Farhan Akhtar was just a few metres away from me is still something that I can’t comprehend, fully. Absolutely love and adore that man. Not in a cute-crush kind of way. I love that man with utmost admiration. And I can proudly say that my first concert was a ‘Farhan Akhtar’ concert 😉

When I said that things never go as planned, I meant that 90% of the time I plan something, it never goes as planned. Again let’s look at last week for an example. I spent 48 hours studying something that wasn’t even supposed to be studied. It’s funny now, but when I found out what I had done, I was so annoyed and done with life (not really). Every time I try to make plans with most of my friends, it never happens. Someone is not in town or someone falls sick or someone has exams, and in the end, we end up cancelling the whole idea of going out. It’s always been instantaneous or planned maximum, two days before I go out with them.

Everyone is always asking me questions about what I want to do in the future, rather what I’ll be doing in 18 months, to be exact. Sometimes I just say something, just to keep them from giving me a lecture about how I should plan what I want to do and how irresponsible it is of me to not plan and think of my future. It is not that I am not thinking about my future, at all. I am. But, for now, I’d just like to keep it to myself. I haven’t told anyone, my family even, about what I want to do, because one, I don’t like saying something unless I am dead sure about what I am speaking, especially when it comes to things like my future. Two, I don’t want to make a decision this early and regret it later because I’m still exploring my options. Ask me 10-12 months before, not 18 months before. Not much of a difference, but me being me, I’d have put a lot more thought into what I’m saying after 6-7 months’ worth of thoughts. And three, what if I plan something now, and again, just like all my plans, this plan also doesn’t go as planned? And, looking at my history, it mostly likely won’t go as planned.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear Readers,

This Sunday, I thought I shall talk about something that has been bothering me, this whole week. That feeling I thought I had completely let go off, came back knocking at my doorstep. I haven’t felt this way in almost 2 years. I don’t know what brought this on, if I’m completely honest. Maybe it’s the fact that everything is going extremely great.

It is maybe because I found something real. Maybe because I love the way my mom and I get to spend a lot of time together. Maybe, it’s the way my dad and I share something that can’t be properly explained using words. Maybe it’s that without speaking much, my brother and I say a lot of things. Maybe it is that now, I’m finally letting a few friends or acquaintances get close to me. Maybe it is because of someone who I thought I was extremely close and important to, doesn’t give a shit about me, anymore. Maybe it’s this rejection that reminded me of all the times, people left.

I don’t know what it is, but people always left. And I am pretty sure that, one day, the people I am glad I have in my life, currently, will also leave. Or I’ll leave them, before I have to watch them leave. It’s just a matter of time. But, now, all I am thinking is whether it’s worth letting this continue letting this selected bunch, know more about my life and bring down my wall. Or should I just stop talking to everyone I have enjoyed talking to?

I know you all probably think I have commitment issues. And maybe I do. Maybe I don’t want to commit to someone, rather anyone, because I know for a fact that they’ll leave me. Now, you think I am just scared of being vulnerable. And maybe I am. But, they always leave, even family. Maybe, it’s something I’d do. Maybe they wouldn’t want me to be a part of their life, anymore. Maybe, I push them away.

Sometimes, I behave like a rude ass, so if people want to get offended and leave, I would have given them a reason to leave. Is this just how life is and I should just accept that people are going to leave and bring my wall down and in a way be happy? Letting people in, regardless of knowing that they’ll leave, is happiness?

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I don’t know a lot of things. Writing today’s blog actually started off as a joke, but I thought it’d be a perfect blog post to start this New Year, with. So, if you sit down and have a one-on-one conversation with me, you’ll know that there are a lot of things, I know, and then there are a lot of things, I don’t know. Isn’t that how it is, with everyone? Nobody knows everything. Some may act like they do. But, every one can’t possibly know everything.

Many people find it unnerving to say, “I don’t know”, because they think it makes them vulnerable and that people will make fun of them. Which is understandable, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Trust me when I say this that lately, I have noticed that allowing you to be vulnerable isn’t as bad as it seems. Yes, all you ‘House Of Cards’ watchers will call me a fool for saying this. But, I don’t mean spilling your deepest darkest secrets to anyone and everyone you meet. I am saying start with yourself. Accept who you are for who you are. Let yourself be vulnerable to yourself.

So what if you don’t know things? So what if you make mistakes? So what if people make fun of you? So what? People are so afraid to let others make fun of them. And I love making fun of myself, in front of others and when I’m alone, for all the stupid things, I do, because, I know who I am. I accept who I am. A man I have massive respect for, once said, “Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armour and it can never be used to hurt you”. When people tease me or make fun of me, being offended is the last thing on my mind. I join them in making fun of me. Don’t worry; I know that there is a line between a joke and an insult. And when people cross that line, I know how to give it back. And to be honest, even if they did mean it as an insult, I don’t really lose any sleep over it. Them insulting me doesn’t change who I am.

Saying that you don’t know something is something I find extremely courageous. Now, don’t think I am only saying this because I say ‘I don’t know’ all the time. I genuinely mean it. It shows how mature that person is, to accept that they don’t know something. Saying ‘I don’t know’ may sound so insignificant and natural, but when was the last time you said, ‘I don’t know’? Even if it is something as silly as saying ‘I don’t know’ when a teacher asks you a question in class, is something people find very hard to do.

I always think of what’s the worst that could happen if you say ‘I don’t know’. The other person may think you’re dumb? You’ll get kicked out of class? You’ll be made fun of? Your friends will not want to be friends with you, anymore? SO, WHAT? You can always go back and learn about the things you don’t know, if it really bothers you. It’s never too late. So, technically, you aren’t losing anything.

And now, I’ll be speaking to the high-school goers, who read my blog. If they don’t want to be friends with you because you don’t know something, then you shouldn’t be friends with such individuals, if I’m honest. Find friends who accept you for who you are and don’t care if you know only so much and don’t know something. But, I guess this applies for a person of any age group. Let go of such people who think they know everything and look down upon you for not knowing something. You don’t need such narrow-minded people in your life. And to be honest, life’s too short to figure out who knows more.

Do not be afraid to say ‘I don’t know’. Accept yourself for who you are. Remember this quote, “The lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of a sheep” and try to live by it, in the most humble way possible. Hope you had a great first week. Hope you have a lovely week ahead. See you, next Sunday.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

I don’t want this to be just another 2017 review post. But, I have to tell you this, 2017 was by far, the best year ever. I’m emotionally a stronger person. I don’t shy away from a lot of things, anymore. There are still a few, but that just makes me who I am. I’ve made a few great friends. My bond with my family has never been stronger. I’ve done things I thought I wasn’t ready for. I’m confident, in a good way. My blog crossed 1100+ followers. You guys have shown nothing but support. Thank you to each and every one of you, who made me smile this year. And thank you to every single one of you who spoke in a negative manner, because you pushed me to push my limits. Thank you, all.

With the way things are going, I hope these people who I am currently friends with, stay. I hope my bond with my family, becomes thicker. I hope I take more risks. I hope I continue to do the things, I don’t normally do. I hope that I invest in bettering myself, more. I can’t wait for 2018.

Hope you all had a great year. Hope you have a great 2018. HAPPY NEW YEAR. See you all next Sunday. Have a great first week. Love every single one of you!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

Dear readers,

Though, I am in a dilemma half of the time, there is one thing I know that is certain. This is, I am comfortable. I am comfortable with how I look, with the way I dress, the way I am. Obviously, this doesn’t mean that I would stop here and stop trying to better myself. I’ll always try to find something to chase and always try to better myself. But, now, today, this moment, I love who I am.

People are constantly baffled when I say that I don’t wear make-up. Some of them assume that I hate make-up. Hating make-up every day is something that is not on the list of things that I need to do. I just don’t wear it. This also doesn’t mean that I hate people who wear makeup. I love the way people come up with different ways to express themselves through make-up. And to answer a question I always get asked, no, I don’t know the difference between a concealer and a foundation. And, yes, even on the days when my face is not clear, I choose not to wear make-up. Doesn’t that hurt? To be honest, it’s not a big deal when I say that I don’t wear make-up.

People think that I am ashamed of my body or I have a big patch or some scar that I cover, because I usually wear clothes that aren’t too revealing. Again, it’s not a conscious effort to cover my entire body. And no, I’m not doing this to make boys wonder how my body looks. I wear the clothes I wear because I feel good and confident wearing it. It is as simple as that. I am not careless when I just put on jeans and a top with crocs, or when I repeat the same clothes twice in a week or when I wear jeans for more than four times without washing it. I’m not careless, it just doesn’t matter enough.

I am not saying that my way is the way to be. You do whatever you want to. Wear the clothes you want. If you love singing, then sing. If you love dancing, then dance. If you want to wear make-up, then wear it. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad. Do the things you want to and solely because you want to. That’s what I do. I know it that, if it comes down to it, I would fight my family and friends and teachers and employers, if they make me do the things I don’t want to do. Call me stubborn or careless. It doesn’t matter. I’ll only do the things I want to do.

I love who I am. I love everything about myself, even the idiosyncrasies. I won’t change for anyone. People often mistake my want for more in a negative manner or think that I am selfish, and think that I want more because I don’t love who I am. I love who I am. But I still want to be a better version of myself which I know I can be. Love yourself. And be proud of who you are. See you all, next Sunday.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.