101. Self-Reflection

Dear Readers,

Hello everyone! I know it’s been a while since I posted after my 100th blog. I kinda took some time off because I wanted to do so many things with my blog and I feel like I kinda went overboard and got a little bit too excited for it all. I do plan on executing them but I just want the perfect start and I feel like I should not overburden myself and bring in my need of idealism to affect the number of posts I put out there.

I just turned 22 on August 3rd. I had a good “lockdown” birthday. I video-called people that couldn’t be here for my birthday. I went out with my friend for a drive. I had fun at home with my parents. Overall, amazing day!

And, I came on here just to tell you all that I’m ecstatic. I’m so so so so happy. I’m in a good place.

This need/desire to be in a good place has been there for as long as I can remember. There aren’t many things that I haven’t tried.

After years and years of trial and error, I can finally say that it’s been a month since I’ve had negative thoughts, it has been 5 months since I had my last panic attack and it has been 3 months since I let myself voluntarily engage in this thoughts/feelings.

How did I come out of this?

Honestly it was about training the monkey in my head. It took me almost 9 years to reach this place. And I know that I’m not completely “healed” or “I’ve fought all my demons”. But, I have reach this place that’s better and can facilitate a more positive, forthcoming and safe environment so that I can learn to be better and keep growing!

I’d also like to explain what mood-trackers are. So mood-trackers are essentially you keeping a track of your overall mood of the day. People usually create a monthly tracker or yearly tracker. I usually do a monthly mood-tracker.

To give you an example, the following picture is my monthly mood-tracker for July, 2020. You can get creative and you create a mood-tracker with ice-creams or rain drops. Literally anything.

Let me know if you try your very own mood-trackers. You can tag me on instagram or twitter.

How have you all been? What’s up with you lot?

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

80. Goodbye 2019

Dear Readers,

Today’s the 31st of December, 2019. I wanted to write a blog on Sunday like I normally do but I thought I’ll write it on the last day of the year. Well, the year 2019 has had a lot of downs but an equal number of ups as well.

It’s been a year of extremities. I’ve either been extremely happy or I’ve been extremely unhappy. Looking back, I honestly don’t know how I feel about this year. I hate it but I also love it. I can’t make up my mind. But what I do know and honestly believe that I’m okay with whatever happened. I made my peace with it. I did learn a lot of things from both, the bad and the good experiences. I learnt how I want to live my life next year and what I want to avoid doing the next year.

This year has been a lot of firsts for me and I love that I did those things irrespective of how fearful it may have seemed. They are definitely the highlights of my year and they are without a shadow of a doubt my most cherished memories of this year. These things are the reason why my year doesn’t seem that bad. I woke up this morning and I was ecstatic about who aren’t in my life anymore and who still are.

This next year is going to be crazily tough if certain things don’t happen. I sincerely hope and wish that what I want to happen should happen. I’ll be heartbroken if it doesn’t. I know it’s silly to have such fixed expectations but I need them to happen. Either plan A or plan B. Let’s see how the year 2020 unfolds.

I will be writing a list of things I will work to change everyday of the year in my personal journal. I will also be writing a list of things I want to achieve in the year 2020. Thank you C, P, A, A, L, K, P, P, S, D, T, M, J, R, L, A, V and M for being in my life. Some of them played a role only for like a part of the year and some of them have stayed throughout and they’re still a major part of my life. (to maintain discretion I’ve used the starting letter of their names)

Hope you all have an amazing year ahead. I hope your year did go well. What is it that you learnt from the year 2019 and what do you feel about the new year?

With loads of love and best wishes I wish you all a very happy new year.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

79. Passive Leeches

Dear readers,

This week, I got a lot of work done in terms of bringing structure to my life. I did have free time to be able to work and binge-watch the show ‘The Big Bang Theory’ for the third time. On Friday, (20th December, 2019) I got my nose pierced. I’ve been meaning to get my nose pierced ever since I was a child and I finally got it done. So YAY. I played my first game of chess in a long long time. This week I thought I’ll talk about an experience that I’ve had difficulty letting go.

A little paragraph to better understand the writer: Me, as a person, I have this tendency to explain things. I need to explain why I am feeling what I am feeling. I need to explain if someone asks me a question. I need to elaborate. If someone asks me if I’m fine, I’ll explain why I’m fine or why I’m not fine. This need for elaboration often lands me in trouble. I feel like people don’t like explanations. I think people like everything to be short and sweet. Nobody wants an essay about what’s currently going on in their life. Nobody gives a shit anymore. That’s where I guess my love and fascination towards blogging increased. Because here I can say anything without a word limit. So what I’m explaining is what I’m feeling basically, in all my blogs. 

So there’s this concept that I’ve formed of people whom I’d like to call ‘passive leeches’. They have a way of leeching off other people’s success passively, owning the success like they’re the ones who’ve put in the hardwork and destroying everyone around them. They have a few qualities which would include having parents who are loaded with money, the ability to own the best things, the ability to dress well, the ability to walk in a room with 100% confidence and the ability to show everyone that they know it all. For better understanding; these passive leeches act like they’ve read and understood Ayn Rand when in fact all they’ve been able to read are Enid Blyton’s books and sometimes, I feel like they don’t even understand them.

I’ve known quite a few passive leeches in my life. Most of them don’t really affect me that much. I’ll explain a few things these Passive Leeches have done to me. These people make me feel bad for being smart. These people who have never understood Enid Blyton have the audacity to call me stupid for reading Ayn Rand. It’s almost ironical and amusing. These people have made me feel bad for working hard.

These people call me stupid for enjoying explaining things to people (refer to the beginning for the post). These people make me feel bad because of the colour of my skin. These people make me feel bad about having a clear skin. These people take my assignments, copy them word to word and gets better marks than me. These people steal my ideas and use them to get better marks. These people told me that I’ll look like shit if I get my nose pierced. These people seek out for my help and my notes to help them pass an exam but don’t have the decency to acknowledge the fact that I’m helping them.

If I am honest, I’m getting a little tired of people like them. Because it got to a point where I started defining my worth yet again and changing the way I’ve lived my life because of passive leeches like them (not in a huge way but in a way that affected my life). 

I know for a fact that I’m more evolved that they are. I am not going to let them define or change who I am. I am not worthless. I may not be confrontational but I am definitely done letting the be an important part of my life. I don’t care if this makes me look snobbish or proud.

I’ve had this blog idea for almost the last 3-4 months, but I didn’t have the time to execute it properly. Now that I had the time I thought I’ll write it down. I hope you all had a great week. May the upcoming week be filled with joy, happiness and productivity. Also I know it’s almost 3.5 days early but MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY. Have a lovely cozy Christmas!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

31. What next?

Dear readers,

It’s true when they say that change is the only thing constant in life. I am a walking-talking example of change because my life changes on a regular basis. I don’t have a fixed pattern and I don’t think I ever will. And I love that about my life.

Steve Jobs once said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect the dots looking backwards. So you will have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in the future.

So, now looking back, every major change in my life has always started with me reading a phrase/sentence or someone telling me a phrase/sentence that sparks something in me and eventually leads to a major change in life.

The first major change that happened, was when I was extremely low, mildly depressed and had zero self-esteem. Someone told me then that with time everything will be alright. And with time, I’ll learn how to be perfectly fine with who I am and with time I’ll be happy.

And with time, I did eventually learn how to be happy.

Once I’d learnt that, a few weeks later, when I was having a deep conversation with somebody we got to talking about the people in our life and how important it is to have the right set of persons by your side. And how the right set of persons are an important factor to that said search of happiness.

And once I realised who really matters and who are on my priority list, life became much simpler and my happiness meter went up a notch.

After a few months, I felt something was lacking. And when discussed, someone told me that maybe I need to more with my time and be more productive and have a few things to do on a daily basis. I started doing more. I enrolled in a few classes. Some long term. Some short term. I try to keep myself busy as much as I can.

Now, that everything seems fine and everything feels right, I heard this line that struck a chord. That line goes like this – “if you feel like you are doing something right for a long period of time, then you’re doing something wrong”.

Which brings me to my next quest. What am I doing wrong? Where have I gone wrong? What should I do now? What should I do differently? What should I change about my life now?

Someone told me to hang in there and continue doing whatever it is I am doing. And put more effort in things that I’m already doing. Agreed. Maybe more effort is what I need to focus on. But that is where my head is at. Let’s see how putting in effort plays out in connecting the dots. That’s all for this week. Please share your thoughts on this blog. Have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.