101. Self-Reflection

Dear Readers,

Hello everyone! I know it’s been a while since I posted after my 100th blog. I kinda took some time off because I wanted to do so many things with my blog and I feel like I kinda went overboard and got a little bit too excited for it all. I do plan on executing them but I just want the perfect start and I feel like I should not overburden myself and bring in my need of idealism to affect the number of posts I put out there.

I just turned 22 on August 3rd. I had a good “lockdown” birthday. I video-called people that couldn’t be here for my birthday. I went out with my friend for a drive. I had fun at home with my parents. Overall, amazing day!

And, I came on here just to tell you all that I’m ecstatic. I’m so so so so happy. I’m in a good place.

This need/desire to be in a good place has been there for as long as I can remember. There aren’t many things that I haven’t tried.

After years and years of trial and error, I can finally say that it’s been a month since I’ve had negative thoughts, it has been 5 months since I had my last panic attack and it has been 3 months since I let myself voluntarily engage in this thoughts/feelings.

How did I come out of this?

Honestly it was about training the monkey in my head. It took me almost 9 years to reach this place. And I know that I’m not completely “healed” or “I’ve fought all my demons”. But, I have reach this place that’s better and can facilitate a more positive, forthcoming and safe environment so that I can learn to be better and keep growing!

I’d also like to explain what mood-trackers are. So mood-trackers are essentially you keeping a track of your overall mood of the day. People usually create a monthly tracker or yearly tracker. I usually do a monthly mood-tracker.

To give you an example, the following picture is my monthly mood-tracker for July, 2020. You can get creative and you create a mood-tracker with ice-creams or rain drops. Literally anything.

Let me know if you try your very own mood-trackers. You can tag me on instagram or twitter.

How have you all been? What’s up with you lot?

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

85. Day Two

WhatsApp Image 2020-03-19 at 18.16.16 (1)Dear Readers,

I think I will stick to the daily pattern of blogging followed by most bloggers. I’ll post about a particular day the next day so I can blog about the whole day and not miss out about the later part of the day and what I’m doing then.

The featured picture of this blog was taken ages ago and I love this picture so much. Just looking at this picture puts me at ease instantly. I understand that I’m not really that great at clicking pictures but I’m learning everyday and I’m trying to get better at them.

My day two of being quarantined was extremellyyyyyyy boring. There were moments in the day where I literally just sat down and stared at the wall not knowing what to do. I did a few chores in the house though and I cleaned my bookshelf. I arranged my bookshelf in accordance to the books I want to finish reading by the end of this year. Which I hopefully do. I spent hours on the phone talking to my close friends which was fun and something I enjoyed a lot. I still have a lot of things to do but I’m just procrastinating them so I can do them slowly everyday.

I realised something really important. I mean I always knew the importance of properly worded sentences but I never really implemented it in my life for some reason. I have always been the one who just says things abruptly without really worrying about the consequences or understanding how that would impact another human being. Because I was always under the impression that I’m telling them what I feel, unfiltered.

I learnt yesterday how important it is for a human being to form properly worded sentences and how important it is to not put your feelings on another human feeling because feelings are subjective. They are not truly fully responsible for making you feel the way you do. You have a hand to play in your own feelings as well. It is important to let the other person understand how you’re feeling and you’re entitled to let them know how you feel, but that’s about it. It was quite cool that I understood this yesterday!

I hope things get better soon. What are you all doing at home? What do you think about this blog? Leave your views in the comment section below. Hope you all are safe and are not ill. Take care and be happy!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

84. Day One

WhatsApp Image 2020-03-19 at 18.16.16Dear Readers,

To be honest the last few days were spent panicking about my attendance because of the number of sick leaves I’d taken and sorting out the notes I’d missed. I was internally going through two issues that took me a while understand. When I finally did, I didn’t speak about it with anyone and I kept it to myself.

I could slowly start seeing the change in my behaviour because I was getting more and more frustrated with everyone around me. And I didn’t like that I was changing. So what I did was I said both those issues to people I trust. And to be honest that was so bloody liberating. I’m so so glad that I finally opened up and told someone what I’m feeling. My biggest fear now is that nothing will be done now that I opened up about it.

Apart from that, you all obviously know about the CoronaVirus. You all understand how scary this is. I hope you all are safe and are taking all the precautionary measures. I hope you or nobody you know are affected by it. I’m sorry if they are and I hope they get better soon.

Since I live in India, the number of people infected are luckily quite less in comparison to a few other countries. I hope the numbers don’t change and start reducing in India and the rest of the world.

So I had college till yesterday (mainly because I’m a part of a medical college) and from today till at least the end of this month, I won’t have to go to college.

I was kinda gutted that I’ll have to stay home because it’s been so long since I’ve stayed at home and not done anything especially for this long. I’ve only stayed at home if I was ill or if I had to study. And honestly I was a little scared because I didn’t want to face my thoughts that I’ve conveniently chosen to suppress all along. But last night, I got a bit drunk and I spoke it all out which lead to my second paragraph of this blog post. It was so liberating and I slept like a baby!

Today is officially my first day of being in the house. I woke a little late. Went to a bookstore and bought a couple of books. Came back and had a tummy filling lunch. I literally sat with the phone on my bed for at least 6 hours and I ended up feeling guilty because I didn’t do much. I watched the Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s address to the nation regarding COVID-19.

I have a lot of things to do, I procrastinated them all and ended up doing nothing. It was by far the most boring day I’ve had in a long time. I hope things get better soon. And I hope I learn to fight the boredom and fight for things in general.

That’s all for today. Please tell me how things are at your place and how are you doing in the comment section below. Stay safe and try to be as healthy as possible. Loads of love and positive vibes being sent your way.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

77. December’19

Dear Readers,

It’s been a while since I have come online and blogged about my life. This whole year has been a lot shitty but I have learnt so much and I have accepted so much. And maybe since I am going to be done with 2019 soon and maybe because I do see a future and have plans for the future, I have started feeling a little positive and it’s making me a lot more excited that I have ever been this entire year.

As far as blogging is concerned, I did have plans for this blog, but unfortunately I have not been able to achieve them this year. I can try again from now on though.

As far as my college and my course is concerned, I have officially finished my first semester of MSc. Clinical Psychology. Since, I was ill and hadn’t attended college for almost two weeks, my attendance was way below the expected requirement. So, I’m not allowed/eligible to write one paper. For the first time in my life, I have an arrear paper. I was a little disappointed, but I made my peace with it.

I’ve literally been busy with going to college, coming back from college, sitting in class, eating and sleeping, I haven’t really gotten the chance to spend some time with friends or family or just chill. After so many months, I spent the entirety of yesterday doing nothing.

This week, I have 5 finals in a span of 5 days. I have no idea how I am going to cope with it and if I’ll pass. I am extremely nervous but I’m also looking forward to getting done with this 6 out of 7 papers, so I can read books and play games after. I have so many pending books (literally 3 small cupboard filled with books) that I want to read.

Aaaand, it’s December, alreadyyyyy! I can’t believe this year is about to end. Are you all excited that Christmas is just round the corner? What are your christmas traditions? Which is most memorable Christmas ever and why? What have you all been upto? Hope you all had a great first week and may the next three weeks be filled with joy and happiness. Happy Sunday, everybody!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

33. Escaping Reality

Dear readers,

This week I wanted to speak about “escaping reality”. The books I read, the TV shows I watch, the movies I watch, the sports I regularly try to watch, anything I do apart from what I’m “supposed” to do, is to escape reality.

I am not ashamed to say it. I find it hard/boring if I am doing anything or watching anything that reminds me of reality. This doesn’t mean that I dislike reality or can’t accept reality in any way. I accept reality, wholeheartedly. When I want to escape it for a brief moment, then I look for something fictitious or extremely entertaining.

Like say for example, reading non-fiction books. I can never bring myself to completing a non-fiction book not because it wasn’t written properly or it’s not good enough, but because it’s not taking me to another place (in a sense). I would rather read fiction and mystery novels. This helps me escape reality.

I love doing things which momentarily helps me forget about anything real and helps me get engrossed in the said thing that I am doing. Yes, what that thing is varies from person to person. Secretly, I want to learn how to play an instrument for this sole purpose.

Writing is another way of me escaping reality. Finding the words to say, understanding and comprehending what I want to say and finally putting my thoughts to words; gives me the high and helps me escape reality.

Find the things you love. There is nothing like it. Let your mind be dedicated to that one thing for a brief moment. That is in my opinion, the best feeling.

Please share your thoughts. What are the things that you do to escape reality? Hope you have a great Sunday and a great week ahead. See you next Sunday.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.